I’ve had my struggles with relationships and I’m definitely no saint. Maybe that’s what led me to Dr. John Gottman’s research in the first place. Relationships aren’t easy, but that’s also what makes them so rewarding when they’re working well! What I appreciated most from Dr. Gottman’s research are the four predictors he found for doomed relationships. He calls them…
The Four Horsemen of Apocalyptic Relationships
I’m no expert on Dr. Gottman’s research, but I can share with you what I’ve learned. Then, if you’d like to investigate his research further, I’d recommend you read his blog or contact him directly. Gottman points out, “Our research has shown that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship.”
Dr. Gottman conducted numerous studies with thousands of couples and could eventually predict (with 90% accuracy) whether or not a couple would divorce! After a 14-year longitudinal study observing emotional connection, they were also able to predict when a couple would divorce! Throughout this research, Gottman found four natural predictors of divorce. Regardless of marriage, I can see how these same predictors can be applied to our relationships with close friends and colleagues.
Are there any Antidotes?
Yes! But before you read any further, please know one thing… the antidotes only work on yourself. You can’t use these antidotes to “fix” the other person. Please understand you can never do that and even if you try… you are walking dangerously close to a very thin line called manipulation. You’re attempting to influence someone else to do something they would not normally do on their own and YOU are the one to benefit. That is manipulation and that is wrong.
Gottman points out how each of the horsemen can be taken down, but only if you are willing to make changes in yourself. Here are the four horsemen and the antidote for each.
1st Horseman – Criticism
This is when you are critical of the person instead of their actions and decisions. One of the first tools we teach new leaders is how to separate the person from the bad behavior. If you allow the person to be the issue instead of the bad behavior, you are allowing the first horseman to enter the picture. This first horseman alone will not destroy a relationship, but it paves the way for the other three to enter.
Antidote: Personal Positive Needs
Instead of lashing out with accusations and criticisms of the other person, change your language. You can do this by mentally separating the behavior from the person. Don’t allow yourself to see the person as the problem. The problem is the problem, so work the problem! Then, express your personal feelings for a positive need, instead of lashing out at the person.
Don’t say… “You never listen. You’re always focused on what you want.”
Instead say… “I’m feeling left out of this conversation. Can we talk about my needs for a minute?”
2nd Horseman – Contempt
This horseman doesn’t even need words to make himself known. Contempt will show up in a facial expression, rolling of the eyes, smirk of the mouth, undermining comments, or even name calling. This is when you not only disagree with an opinion or suggestion, you actually disagree with who this person is at the core! Gottman found that this is the single biggest predictor of a divorce in couples. These people also tend to be more susceptible to illness due to their weakened immune systems!
Antidote: Appreciation
Remember, Gottman said this horseman alone is the number one predictor of relationships that would end in divorce. Let’s all make sure we have this antidote handy! When you find yourself in contempt of another person, slow your conversation and take time to find something you appreciate in the other person. Appreciation leads to respect, which becomes a foundation for building trust, and trust enables every other aspect of the relationship to improve.
Don’t say… “You’re never happy unless you get your way. You’re manipulative and selfish.”
Instead say… “I appreciate your creativity and innovation when we’re discussing future plans. You’ve always got unique perspectives and ideas.”
3rd Horseman – Defensiveness
This is one horseman we all seem to fall back on quickly when we feel like someone is casting blame our way. This posture is a 1st generation descendant from selfish pride and original sin. When God asked Adam about eating the fruit he gets defensive and immediately blames two people… “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Wow! He blames God and Eve in one sentence! When we feel accused, we get defensive!
Antidote: Accountability
This one is so much easier said than done. As I tell my kids. “It’s like many things in this world… it’s simple, but it’s not easy!” The simple answer is to own it. Without taking the accusation personally, own your mistakes.
Don’t say… “Whatever! You’re always blaming me for everything.”
Instead say… “I know I’m to blame. I’d appreciate if we can both talk more about this in the future so we can avoid any issues.”
4th Horseman – Withdrawal
My name for this is “the festering wound.” When the first three horsemen have made appearances in a relationship, withdrawing from a conversation can morph them into three raging warlords. Our minds begin to speculate what the other person is thinking. We construct narratives in our mind and I think we can all admit, those stories tend to go down a very dark path.
I see this horseman providing strength to the first three. If you don’t seek out opportunities to create constructive conversations, withdrawal will provide the fuel to keep this war raging toward a destructive ending.
Antidote: Self-Soothing
What does “self-soothing” mean? It means “take a temporary break” without dismissing the entire conversation. Get out of your situation and do something that takes your mind off the conversation and soothes your mind. As a conflict response strategy, this form of avoidance is meant to be temporary. It’s NOT a permanent solution. This is a temporary break and both parties know it’s only a break. It’s not a permanent dismissal.
“I know we’re not done here, but I need a break. Can we please pick up this conversation tomorrow when we’re both ready to discuss this further?”
I can speak from my own experience, just knowing these four horseman and their antidotes doesn’t make it much easier to implement them, but it’s a start. My biggest struggle is to keep my emotions in check and remain in the conversation, instead of letting the horsemen run wild through my mind.
Here’s to a great 2018 with no relationship horsemen in it!
All the best,
Russ
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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
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