First of all, please hear me, I’m no saint and I know it. What you’re about to read in this article, I’m guilty of them all and I know it. But one thing I also know about me… I’m an observer. It’s what I do. It’s what I get paid to do! I’m a professional coach and I’m paid to observe how people communicate and then offer my professional feedback on how communication can be improved. After 25 years I’ve picked up a few things I’ve seen in myself and in those whom I’ve been privileged to coach.
From my experience the best communicators are able to develop trust and relationships with how they communicate with others. If we can avoid the pitfalls and focus on the right actions, we can build stronger relationships that stand the test of time.
Why should we care?
Because we only have two ways to build relationships with others through communication: we can use either verbal or non-verbal communication. What we say to others (verbal) has a profound effect on how other people feel and act toward us.
That’s how we build trust in our relationships. Regardless of the nursery rhyme about sticks and stones and words not hurting, it just isn’t true. How we communicate with others can have a life-changing effect on others, either good or bad. As Stephen Covey says, “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
What are the 7 deadly sins of conversation?
Whether I’m observing executives, future leaders of an organization, my family, myself, or my friends, I can’t help but do what I do. I’m a coach and my career is built upon observing how people communicate with each other. Here’s what I’ve observed in conversations where one person leaves the conversation feeling either ignored, devalued, or unappreciated.
1. Make every conversation topic about themselves
You know the type. Every time someone tells a story, this guy has to turn the conversation back to himself. This is also the person that asks a baited question just so they can tell their own story. “So how did you break your leg?” As soon as the person starts to tell their story about the broken leg, this guy responds with the story about his own broken leg 4 years ago. When this person hears another person talking about any topic they share in common, he will immediately jump into his own story.
2. Interrupt and don’t let them finish
Sometimes people start listening to a story, only to interrupt with something completely off-subject. One person begins telling a story and then she interrupts with, “Before the waitress comes back, what do you think I should order… the mojito or the moscow mule? Oh wait, here she comes. I’ll just ask her which is better. Excuse me, Miss!” After the interruption about drinks, she never acknowledges the fact that she interrupted or gives her friend the opportunity to finish the story.
3. Show you’re not listening
Non-verbal language speaks volumes to others. According to Dr. Paul Ekman we are all born with an innate ability to read 7 basic facial expressions and nobody teaches this to you. We just know it from birth. We come from the factory this way. It’s fairly obvious when someone else is not totally listening. If you want to show you’re not listening, just keep replying to your text messages while you say, “Go ahead and keep talking. I can do two things at once. I’m just responding to this text while you talk.” Congratulations, you’re showing a total lack of respect and interest by not giving your full attention.
4. Play the “poor me” card as much as you can
If you’re constantly complaining or whining about how difficult things are for you without turning the conversation back to your conversation partner, you just sound like your fishing for empathy or sympathy. These people seem like they are playing “trophy talk” by showing how they’re life is so much more challenging than others.
5. Try to beat their stories
We might think this one is reserved for the men and not the women, but unfortunately we are all guilty of it. If you want to show how shallow your personal self-esteem is, then just make sure you practice one-upmanship – always try to top the other person’s story. This shows a lack of humility and the desire to always place yourself on a pedestal as the winner. Whether it’s the greatest achievement or the greatest mistake, some people take pride in owning first place with every conversation. This creates a winner (as if there’s going to be a trophy!) for each conversation, but unfortunately is also creates losers.
6. Never ask a question
Just keep talking about yourself and your interests and don’t bother asking any questions. Want to play a game? Next time you are in a personal conversation, count how many questions you ask the other person. Then, count how many questions they ask you. If you never ask questions about personality, preference, or opinion you’ll never move your conversations or relationships to a level three conversation.
7. Gossip about other people
Talking poorly about other people behind their backs is tempting because it creates allies with the people you’re gossiping with. One of the dangers with gossip is that it forces us to label someone. Simple labels are never going to be 100% accurate because we are all wonderfully complex. But, labels make life easier because we can throw a person into a labeled bucket and be done with them. (i.e. slut, idiot, cheater, loser, etc.) What I’ve found is that the best leaders talk more about ideas than people.
Trying to create camaraderie by allying one person in conversation against another person or group who isn’t there will ultimately lead to a lack of trust between everyone. If someone is willing to label others and gossip about them with you, it makes you wonder how they talk about you when you’re not around!
I’m no Saint…
As I said earlier, I’m no saint. I’m sure I have committed each of these 7 deadly conversation sins. I know I’m getting better at conversations and my prayer is that I continue to be sensitive to others in conversation so I can eventually eliminate these sins completely.
Tune in next week when we tackle part two of this topic… The 5 Virtues Found in the Best Conversations.
Am I the only one, or have you seen these 7 deadly sins in conversations? How did they affect the relationship? Leave your comments.
Until then,
Russ
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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
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