Last week we looked at the 7 Deadly Sins in Conversations. Rather than just avoiding those 7 to be a better conversationalist, we’ll look at the 5 virtues of outstanding conversationalists. If we can all focus on these 5 when we’re blessed by someone else’s company, the relationship will prosper because of it. Just as I said last week, I’m no saint with avoiding the 7 deadly sins or fulfilling the 5 virtues… but I’m gonna keep on trying. It’s worth it.
If I want to build trust, what should I do?
If you find yourself guilty of the 7 deadly sins of conversation, here are 5 virtues you can implement to become a better conversationalist and build stronger relationships with others.
Virtue #1: Listening more than talking
Both leaders and sales professionals can benefit from listening more than talking. While numerous studies have been done to show others appreciate when we allow them to speak, SalesHacker found that the top sales professionals had the highest ratio of listening (43%) to talking (57%.)
In addition, Randy Conley says in his leadership blog, “Listening shows you care for people and is a critical component of building trust.” As Patrick Lencioni points out, with trust as the critical foundation for leaders and sales professionals to build upon, what better reason do you need for listening to others more than just giving them your thoughts?
Virtue #2: Asking open-ended follow-up questions
When I teach a sales communication workshop, of course, we’ve got to have some role-play! When I’m listening to the mock conversations I hear the sales person ask questions but the vast majority of them are closed questions. In other words, they ask for a specific piece of information and then continue their line of questioning. While this method is the fastest path to a destination, it also invites doubt and suspicion from the other person because they feel like they are being led somewhere. Here are some examples of the closed questions I hear from salespeople and leaders:
- Did you know…?
- You like getting things done on time, right?
- Was this what you expected?
- Did you already speak to Janna?
- When are you scheduling the planning meeting?
These questions are great for gathering specific data, but when someone receives too many, they feel like they’re being interrogated! Open questions usually begin with how…, why… or sometimes what…. These questions can’t be answered with a simple one or two word response. If you will phrase your questions so they must be answered with a story you’ll usually find more than you anticipated and you’ll build much stronger relationships.
Virtue #3: Showing empathy when listening
Life is tough. It’s tough on all of us. When someone needs to talk, we should be willing to listen with an empathetic ear. Empathy means that we listen and relate to their situation. Even if you’re tempted, don’t allow yourself to respond in kind with your own hardships. Remember, it’s not a contest and you also don’t want this to turn into a pity party. Listen to this person. Then, let him/her know they’ve been heard.
Virtue #4: Listening without solving
From my own experience, I think men are more guilty of this than women, but we all do it. As we listen to someone’s dilemma, we immediately start to solve the problem. When we do this, our questioning turns to data gathering instead of empathetic questions. “Who did you talk to? When did that start? What have you tried so far? Have you thought about doing this…?” These problem-solving questions make a person feel even more inadequate.
In other words, what they hear in their mind is something like, “If you’d have been a little bit smarter… like me, you wouldn’t be in this mess you’re in today.” You don’t always need to put on the “Mr./Ms. Fix It” Hat. Sometimes people just need to be heard. So let them talk it out. I’ve learned this well after 23 years of marriage. Sometimes my wife just needs me to listen.
Virtue #5: Listening without judgement
When you question to draw out someone’s beliefs and opinions, they know they’re exposing themselves to risk if they respond. The risk is that you will vehemently disagree with their statements and judge them as “less than” you. When someone opens up to offer their own personal opinion, you don’t have to agree with them, but you should listen without judgement.
Remember you don’t have to respond to them as if you’re stepping into battle. Acknowledge their opinions as different than your own, but don’t allow the opinion to be confused with the person. You can dislike the opinion but that doesn’t mean you have to dislike the person.
Then if you really want to wade into the deep end of the pool, question their statement to understand where this belief originated. “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “I’m still on the fence. How did you decide on your stance?” or even, “Where does that belief come from?”
What advice do you have for better listening? Leave your comments here or send me an email.
All the best,
Russ
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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
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