Are You Ready?

So here’s the first part we all need to agree on… just because you thought it was a great conversation, doesn’t mean the other person did too. Can we all agree on that? Yep, I’m willing to admit it too. Sometimes I love a conversation with someone and then later realize the other person may not have felt the same way.

Why would I think that? Because looking back on that conversation, I didn’t do these three things and my conversation partner did! So while I may have enjoyed the conversation, my partner most likely did not.

The Research

Don’t worry, I’m not going into professor-lecture mode, I promise. Just a quick note on where these 3 steps originated. Much research has been done by social psychologists on how we communicate with each other and the effects our communication has on each other.

One interesting study was conducted by several researchers at Harvard, led by Karen Huang. The study wanted to extend previous research done by others on something called “responsiveness” which to you and me really just means “likability.”

Their question was two-fold, First, they wanted to know if asking follow-up questions would increase likability. Of course, you and I immediately think, “Really? they had to research this?” But of course, they had their hunches too. They just wanted scientific measurement and proof. What may be even more interesting was the second question they wanted to answer.

Second, if it is true, and it certainly seems like common sense that it would be true, then why is it that some people participate in conversations without ever asking a question of the other person? If it’s common sense, shouldn’t we all be pretty good at this?

The Three Steps To Better Conversations

I’m calling this better conversations because if both parties in the conversation do these three things, the research study proves they will both enjoy the conversation and ultimately enjoy each others’ company even more.

First Step: Understanding

People like to be understood, but for them to be understood, the other person needs to be a good listener. There’s a lot of info out there on how to be a good listener, but I’ll keep the focus on this research study, which focused on questions.

How can you show the other person you want to understand them? It’s simple… ask them a question so they can express their thoughts, opinions and feelings. Don’t just ask a question about facts and data.

Ask this…

“How did y’all pick Antigua for your anniversary trip?” (This question allows the other to express their opinion on a choice.)

Not this…

“When are you going on vacation?” (This question is too closed. The answer will be a fact, not an opinion.)

Second Step: Validation

When do people feel better in a conversation? It’s when your conversational partner validates your opinion, thought, or feeling. Think about your own conversation I asked you to come up with at the beginning. Someone most likely asked you a question. You expressed your thoughts or opinion. Then what happened?

Did they validate your opinion? Everyone’s entitled to an opinion and even if they have a different one, did they validate yours? When someone confirms your thoughts, feelings or actions, we feel comfortable and safe in the conversation.

Please don’t think I’m asking you to agree with everyone on everything just to make friends. I’m simply asking you to confirm the other person has an opinion. The research suggests we like to know someone else has heard us and they validate our line of thinking… even if they disagree.

Say this…

“That sounds like an amazing place to visit.”

Not this…

“Antigua? That place is crazy expensive! Why would you go there? You would’ve been better off going to Jamaica.”

Third Step: Caring

The final step is to show the other person you care about what they’ve shared. What’s the easiest way to do that? Ask a follow-up question.

The research study found that when someone not only asks you one question, but then asks a follow-up question based on the answer you’ve given, you’ll feel more like the other person truly cares about you and your responses.

Unfortunately, in many cases, that doesn’t happen. Instead, the person hears your answer to the first question and then immediately turns the story back to himself/herself based on what you said.

Say this…

“Where did you go for your anniversary trip?” (Response: “We went to Antigua.”)

“That sounds amazing. What was the best part?”

Not this…

“Where did you go for your anniversary trip?” (Response: “We went to Antigua.”)

“I’ve never been there. We usually go to the Bahamas. You can get to the Bahamas easily with the direct flights from Atlanta.”

The Blind Spot

And this brings us to the second finding in the research study, which I find even more interesting. It’s a natural blind spot we all share. While it seems like common sense that asking questions, validating responses, and asking follow-up questions will increase your likability, most of us are blind to that fact and we don’t do it.

In other words, when we dominate conversations with talking about ourselves instead of asking questions, we don’t even realize we’re doing it!

Ouch.

The Bottom Line

It’s a simple 3-step process we can all use to get better at conversations:

• Ask a question to UNDERSTAND the other person or their situation
• VALIDATE what they tell you as a legitimate opinion, even if you personally don’t agree with them.
• Ask them a follow-up question to show you CARE about them and what they’re telling you.

As simple as these steps sound, I’ll be the first to admit it. I still need practice implementing them! I leave some conversations and realize I dominated the conversation and didn’t ask nearly enough questions about the other person. But, I can always work on it.

See you next week,

Russ

Let’s connect…

on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. His leadership blog assists leaders in giving voice to their vision. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

If you’re like me, as we enter the holiday season, I begin to think about the parties and family gatherings to come. We all enjoy seeing the friends and family but let’s be honest… sometimes our conversations could be improved and we’re the ones who might need to change! I began this year with a blog post on “How to have the best conversations in 2018.” It was based on a tool I learned from Michael Hyatt.

How are you doing?

What’s the status of your conversations in 2018? Have you improved as a conversationalist and as a friend? I know I’ve seen some improvement in myself but I’ve still got a ways to go. I’m working on it. As we enter the holidays, now is a great time to remind ourselves of the tools we can use to improve our conversations with others, but more importantly, improve our relationships with others.

Reminder 1: The One Conversation Rule

In a quick summary of “How to Have the Best Conversations in 2018” the one rule to try at the dinner table is the “One Conversation” rule. What this means is that when you have a table of 8 people, you have 1 speaker and 7 listeners. You have one conversation at the table. No side conversations are allowed.

I’ve tried this before and found that it is an incredibly powerful tool for building relationships between everyone.

Reminder 2: What should we AVOID in conversations?

Through research, observation, and my own personal experience I’ve found there are 7 things to avoid when in conversation with others. I call them the 7 deadly sins of poor conversations. I’m not calling any of these out in judgement because I’m willing to admit, I’m guilty of each one.

The road to improvement for anything begins with awareness because once you’re made aware of a situation, you’re faced with a decision. You are at a fork in the road and you can see the two paths clearly. Once you are at the fork and you can see the fork… you must make a choice. Awareness is the exposure to the fork in the road. We always begin change at the fork.

Are you guilty of these 7 deadly sins in your conversations?

Reminder 3: What should we DO in conversations?

Instead of the 7 deadly sins you could just strive to do the opposite, but is there more? Learning again from my own personal mistakes and failures, along with the coaching and research from others, I’ve discovered 5 tools to have the best conversations. I call these tools “virtues” because they seem to be the foundation of solid conversations and more importantly, solid relationships.

Virtue can be defined as “moral excellence.” In that sense, virtues are closely related to core values. They are the essence of truth and cannot be simplified to anything more foundational that itself. They stand alone as a truth.

You will notice how “The 5 virtues of great conversations” are all centered on questioning and listening. None of the virtues of conversation center on your speaking. It’s not about you speaking… it’s about what you’re doing when you’re NOT speaking!

“ It’s not about you speaking… it’s about what you’re doing when you’re NOT speaking!

I hope your Thanksgiving was filled with family, friends, and great conversations. As we move into a season of holiday parties and gatherings, my hope for us all is that we build stronger relationships with each other by leveraging some of these conversation tools.

Thankful for you all!

See you next week,
Russ

It’s no secret some people interpret disagreement as a sure sign you’re an enemy combatant. How do I know? Because I’m as guilty as the rest of us. When somebody disagrees with me (e.g. business, politics, religion, etc.) my brain jumps into battle stations, “Shields up! Divert all power to the forward cannons! Fire when ready!” Have you been there before? Can you relate?

If you’re like me then you really do want to get better, but it isn’t always easy. To use a biblical word, I always find myself repenting of my actions later, but I wish I could get better at preventing it from ever starting. Afterwards I start thinking something like…

“Wow… I need to apologize to him for what I said.”

“Ugh… how could I have let myself say that.”

“Whoa… I wish I could put those words back in my mouth.”

Everyone’s Opinion has an Origin

Like many things in life, I find this reminder simple but not easy. Nobody has a strong opinion without their opinion being rooted in something. In other words, people believe in something for a reason. Do you know what their reason is?

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey addressed this so beautifully when he reminds us to understand the other person’s point of view before you attempt to share your point of view.

We all make decisions based on our personal interpretation of the world. We all like to think that we’re being logical with our decisions. In other words, we all have opinions that make sense to ourselves. So before we act or react, we can all take Covey’s advice and do our best to understand the origin of this person’s opinion before we respond. Even if we disagree, it can still provide some perspective on why this other person has a strong opposing view.

“ Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood. —STEPHEN COVEY

The Interpretation Process

Every time we’re placed in a situation, we interpret everything going on around us. Kerry Patterson tells us (Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success) our situation isn’t what makes us feel good, feel bad or feel anything else. He says the feeling we feel is generated by our own mind when we tell ourselves a story. In other words, there is a logical 4-step sequence to how we act and react.

It goes like this:

1. Exposure to a situation
2. We tell ourselves a story based on our interpretation and speculation
3. The story generates a feeling (love, contempt, animosity, anger, etc.)
4. We act or react based on the feeling

The One Forgotten Step

The story we tell ourselves is the forgotten step in Patterson’s process. Most of us think other people makes us mad. In fact, we’re probably all guilty of saying it at one time, “You make me so angry!” Patterson says that really isn’t true at all. Other people don’t make you angry… you make yourself angry! We make ourselves angry by telling ourselves a story.

“What a jerk, he’s only concerned with making money!”

“Only an idiot would think we should vote for that.”

“She doesn’t care about anyone but herself… and that’s obvious!”

So, if it’s the stories we tell ourselves that create the strong feelings, then maybe there is some hope we can regain control over how we feel, and react in tough situations.

But the toughest part now is… how do we control the story?

How do we change?

Like I said before, it’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy! The simple solution is to start telling yourself a different story. When you find yourself in a situation where your blood starts to boil, slow down. Ask yourself a few questions…

“Why am I getting angry about this?”

“What story did I just tell myself?”

“Why does this person think this is a logical solution?”

“ Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. —MATTHEW 5:9

I know it’s simple but it definitely ain’t easy! I’m right there with you. I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me. Together, we can get through anything. We’re better together.

I control my own stories… I control my own stories…
Russ

My wife and I were both excited to attend the leadership conference! The lineup of speakers included one of my favorites and one of my wife’s favorites.  I was amped to hear from Craig Groeschel on topics like leading change and building systems. My wife was most excited about Lysa Terkeurst and her talk on dealing with disappointment. (and as far as I know, my wife’s interest in that topic had nothing to do with the fact that I was her date for the day!)

Then there was this other speaker, an author by the name Chris Hodges. I knew him as an author, but had never heard him speak before. Besides the one book I could recall (The Daniel Dilemma), I really didn’t know much about Chris. His comments that day were fun, humorous and engaging. I could write several blog posts on his amazing techniques for building approachability with an audience! (Note to self… write a future blog post on Chris Hodges and Approachability!)

So, WHAT’s the One Question?

Chris gave many helpful insights on leadership but there was one insight that just blew me away. It was one of those surreal moments when you realize you’ve just received a moment of truth. He gave us all one question we could use as leaders. This one question is powerful enough to change lives, organizations, communities, and the world. No exaggeration… this is good stuff!

Here it is…

“ What one thing, if it got better, would make the biggest difference? —CHRIS HODGES

This question struck me so hard because it’s both simple and powerful. Knowing why this is such a powerful question and how to use this question, can make you more effective in every aspect of your life. Don’t ever underestimate the significant benefits you can provide to others through the coaching wisdom in this one simple question!

WHY is this Question so Powerful?

1. Because… it’s simple

Elegance is found in simplicity. As the simplicity washed over me, the absolute power of the question began to soak in when Chris shared the story about him and his wife asking this question at least every 3 months on their date night. This one question has strengthened their marriage over the years. There isn’t a 12-step process for improving, there’s just one simple question. That’s it. Just one question. I love simple!

2. Because… it’s focused on only one issue

When I finish any of my workshops, my students usually have several new tools they’ve learned. Instead of asking them to now go and implement all of them, I probably surprise some of them with my final request. I ask them to only focus on implementing one change. When we have too many balls in the air, we don’t really do any of them very well. I love Chris’ question because it keeps us focused on just one issue… Focus!

3. Because… it’s tied to improvement

It’s inherent to the question itself. What would make the biggest difference? Most of us are willing to take on change when we know it’ll have a positive impact. We want that impact to give the biggest bang for the buck! This keeps you from focusing on changes just for the sake of change. The changes you pursue will lead to a positive difference and the biggest difference!

“ Don’t defend what’s not working! —CHRIS HODGES

HOW can you best use this Question?

1. Think about who to ask

When you think about who you could ask this question, two sources come to mind. You could ask yourself this question and you could ask other people this question. What I’ve found from my own experience is that I kinda like me. I mean, when I have an idea, I’m pretty sure it’s one of the best ideas ever! I don’t find myself disagreeing with me too much. Maybe it’s time I admit, I might be a little biased toward my own ideas. I’m jus’ sayin’.

So, what I’ve found is that I might be better served asking other people what should be improved instead of just always thinking I know what’s best. Whether you have ideas for improving your business or your marriage, make sure you get input from others. You can not only improve the outcomes of your business, but also the relationships you have with others.

2. Only ask if you have time to listen

This one question is meant to take your conversations into deeper waters. So, don’t jump into the deep end if you don’t want to swim. These conversations are meant to be savored. So plan on asking them when you have the time to listen and then LISTEN!

“ Nothing improves until something changes. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

3. Expect the work to follow

Something else built into this question is the actionable outcome. Let’s not sugar-coat this… you’re asking for work. You’re asking the other person about what needs to change. The change could be simple or it could be complex, but either way… it will involve you changing something. Remember, nothing improves until something changes. So once you know what needs to change, be ready to get to work!

The conference call went silent for only a second while she was thinking. Then my boss said, “Russ can be there. Set up the meeting.” Well, it looks like I was about to book a flight to Boston from Houston. Without any thought to my personal schedule, my pregnant wife, or my 2-year-old son. I’m off to Boston and missing yet another family event.

I’m not proud of the fact that I’d been consumed by the Beast of Progress and Success, but I had. I’m weak, probably just like you. Driven to succeed, there were times in my life where I was known for putting business ahead of everything else. I’d get it done… but at what expense?

Thankfully, through the coaching of others, I’ve become much more aware of how to define success. It’s no longer defined by money, status, or possessions. I’m much happier and easier to be around when my success is defined by making choices aligned with my core values. My focus has turned more outward and I think I’m genuinely much more pleasant to be a around!

The Choices of the Leader

All leaders make choices. That’s nothing new. But, we all need to know that the choices made by the leader affect the level of engagement from the team. Not every leader thinks about that before making a decision.

The Gallup Organization found that when employees feel they can approach their leader in conversation, they feel 54% more engaged in their work. Contrast that with only 2% who are engaged in their work when they don’t feel they can approach their leader. Leaders benefit their organizations when they’re approachable with their team.

“ Great leaders are willing to sacrifice the numbers to save the people. Poor leaders sacrifice the people to make the numbers. —SIMON SINEK

The Second Element of Leader Presence is Approachability

Last week we began a three-week journey to explore the 3 key elements of Leadership Presence. The first element of Leader Presence is your CONFIDENCE. Remember that the actions of confidence come first. The feelings of confidence come second. Don’t wait until you feel confident before acting or you’ll be waiting a long time!

The second element of Leadership Presence is approachability. How do you know if your leader’s got it? Just answer this question, “Do you enjoy being around this leader?” If you do, my guess is, the leader is someone you trust, respect, and generally like. Your leader is approachable.

The deeper question then becomes, “WHY do you see this leader as approachable? “ When you answer this question you’ve gotten much closer to what makes up an approachable leader. Forget leadership for a minute and just focus on anyone you enjoy being around. Why do you like being around that person? Based on my experience, it all comes down to one thing… the other person cares about you.

So, how can we improve our approachability? You’ve got to care about others.

5 Ways to Develop Leadership Approachability

1. Listen without judgement

When you listen to someone on your team, do so without judgement. Separate yourself from your own personal opinions just long enough to view their thoughts as a third-party person. When you can separate yourself from judging what you’re hearing, you’re less likely to allow your emotions to take control. (Russ Harris writes about this in his book The Confidence Gap.)

2. Consider your core

Before making a decision, ask yourself if it aligns with your core values. Your team can spot inconsistencies in your leadership style. How you act and react reflects what’s most important to you. Humans cannot act in contrast to their core beliefs for very long. How can you discover your core values? Take 5 minutes to write down all of the things that matter the most to you, but it cannot include a goal. Goals are different. Goals can be completed. Values define how you get to the goal but with values, you’re never done. You will pursue them for the rest of your life.

3. Invite others to engage

Jack Schafer, former FBI agent, points out there are 3 friendly signals we send to others using our facial expressions. We do this without even thinking. However, some of us are not as expressive and when these signals don’t show up, people avoid us because we make them feel uncomfortable. The three friendly facial expression signals include the eyebrow flash, a smile and a slight head tilt.

“ Control leads to compliance; autonomy leads to engagement. —DAN PINK

4. Give the gift of autonomy

The best gift you can give anyone on your team is your trust. When employees are free to make their own decisions, they feel empowered and trusted by the leader. There is real power in choice. The trust offered by the leader builds more engagement and approachability.

5. Show your gratitude

You can express your gratitude without making everyone an employee of the month for something they did well. Employee surveys consistently show how appreciation from the leader impacts the attitudes and engagement of the employees. Recognize them when they’ve done well and when they’ve improved. Appreciation doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a thank you note.

We’ve got one more week to complete our series!  Next week… is Vision!

• Today, February 11th – Confidence
• Sunday, February 18th – Approachability
• Sunday, February 25th – Vision

Books mentioned in this post:

The Like Switch, by John Schafer

The Confidence Gap, by Russ Harris

I’ve had my struggles with relationships and I’m definitely no saint. Maybe that’s what led me to Dr. John Gottman’s research in the first place. Relationships aren’t easy, but that’s also what makes them so rewarding when they’re working well! What I appreciated most from Dr. Gottman’s research are the four predictors he found for doomed relationships. He calls them…

The Four Horsemen of Apocalyptic Relationships

I’m no expert on Dr. Gottman’s research, but I can share with you what I’ve learned. Then, if you’d like to investigate his research further, I’d recommend you read his blog or contact him directly. Gottman points out, “Our research has shown that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship.”

Dr. Gottman conducted numerous studies with thousands of couples and could eventually predict (with 90% accuracy) whether or not a couple would divorce! After a 14-year longitudinal study observing emotional connection, they were also able to predict when a couple would divorce! Throughout this research, Gottman found four natural predictors of divorce. Regardless of marriage, I can see how these same predictors can be applied to our relationships with close friends and colleagues.

Are there any Antidotes?

Yes! But before you read any further, please know one thing… the antidotes only work on yourself. You can’t use these antidotes to “fix” the other person. Please understand you can never do that and even if you try… you are walking dangerously close to a very thin line called manipulation. You’re attempting to influence someone else to do something they would not normally do on their own and YOU are the one to benefit.  That is manipulation and that is wrong.

Gottman points out how each of the horsemen can be taken down, but only if you are willing to make changes in yourself. Here are the four horsemen and the antidote for each.

1st Horseman – Criticism

This is when you are critical of the person instead of their actions and decisions. One of the first tools we teach new leaders is how to separate the person from the bad behavior. If you allow the person to be the issue instead of the bad behavior, you are allowing the first horseman to enter the picture. This first horseman alone will not destroy a relationship, but it paves the way for the other three to enter.

Antidote:  Personal Positive Needs

Instead of lashing out with accusations and criticisms of the other person, change your language. You can do this by mentally separating the behavior from the person. Don’t allow yourself to see the person as the problem. The problem is the problem, so work the problem! Then, express your personal feelings for a positive need, instead of lashing out at the person.

Don’t say… “You never listen. You’re always focused on what you want.”

Instead say… “I’m feeling left out of this conversation. Can we talk about my needs for a minute?”

“ The problem is the problem, so work the problem!

2nd Horseman – Contempt

This horseman doesn’t even need words to make himself known. Contempt will show up in a facial expression, rolling of the eyes, smirk of the mouth, undermining comments, or even name calling. This is when you not only disagree with an opinion or suggestion, you actually disagree with who this person is at the core! Gottman found that this is the single biggest predictor of a divorce in couples. These people also tend to be more susceptible to illness due to their weakened immune systems!

Antidote: Appreciation

Remember, Gottman said this horseman alone is the number one predictor of relationships that would end in divorce. Let’s all make sure we have this antidote handy! When you find yourself in contempt of another person, slow your conversation and take time to find something you appreciate in the other person. Appreciation leads to respect, which becomes a foundation for building trust, and trust enables every other aspect of the relationship to improve.

Don’t say… “You’re never happy unless you get your way. You’re manipulative and selfish.”

Instead say… “I appreciate your creativity and innovation when we’re discussing future plans. You’ve always got unique perspectives and ideas.”

3rd Horseman – Defensiveness

This is one horseman we all seem to fall back on quickly when we feel like someone is casting blame our way. This posture is a 1st generation descendant from selfish pride and original sin. When God asked Adam about eating the fruit he gets defensive and immediately blames two people… “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Wow! He blames God and Eve in one sentence! When we feel accused, we get defensive!

Antidote: Accountability

This one is so much easier said than done. As I tell my kids. “It’s like many things in this world… it’s simple, but it’s not easy!” The simple answer is to own it. Without taking the accusation personally, own your mistakes.

Don’t say… “Whatever! You’re always blaming me for everything.”

Instead say… “I know I’m to blame. I’d appreciate if we can both talk more about this in the future so we can avoid any issues.”

“ It’s like many things in this world… it’s simple, but it’s not easy! —RUSS PETERSON JR.

4th Horseman – Withdrawal

My name for this is “the festering wound.” When the first three horsemen have made appearances in a relationship, withdrawing from a conversation can morph them into three raging warlords. Our minds begin to speculate what the other person is thinking. We construct narratives in our mind and I think we can all admit, those stories tend to go down a very dark path.

I see this horseman providing strength to the first three.  If you don’t seek out opportunities to create constructive conversations, withdrawal will provide the fuel to keep this war raging toward a destructive ending.

Antidote: Self-Soothing

What does “self-soothing” mean?  It means “take a temporary break” without dismissing the entire conversation. Get out of your situation and do something that takes your mind off the conversation and soothes your mind. As a conflict response strategy, this form of avoidance is meant to be temporary. It’s NOT a permanent solution. This is a temporary break and both parties know it’s only a break. It’s not a permanent dismissal.

“I know we’re not done here, but I need a break. Can we please pick up this conversation tomorrow when we’re both ready to discuss this further?”

I can speak from my own experience, just knowing these four horseman and their antidotes doesn’t make it much easier to implement them, but it’s a start. My biggest struggle is to keep my emotions in check and remain in the conversation, instead of letting the horsemen run wild through my mind.

Here’s to a great 2018 with no relationship horsemen in it!

All the best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

Get the Corporate Ovations Video Self-Study Course for FREE!

Public speaking and presentation skills are a key to your career success. Learn the same skills we’ve taught to thousands of corporate customers over the past decade in this FREE video-based program. It’s all designed to help make you a better speaker no matter what your skill level.

When you sign up for my weekly blog I’ll send you a link to iSpeak’s Corporate Ovations Self-Study Course. It comes with 12 lessons on public speaking. Each lesson includes a teaching video, exercise, application exercise and a challenge to get you out of your comfort zone.  You can get the Self-Study Course here.

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales professionals gather the most important data and then use that information to align the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

It was a conversation for the ages! My family and our dear friends from Dublin were all seated around their dining table in Ireland. The conversation was full of laughter, questions, tears, intrigue, and dreams. We were swimming in deep waters and we loved it. But what was it exactly that made this 3-hour conversation so memorable for everyone? It was actually quite simple…

It was just one conversation

Everyone seated around the table was engaged in one conversation the entire time. Everyone was given chance to speak and everyone was heard when they did. There were no side-bar conversations between two people seated at the table ever. It was just one conversation… and it was amazing!

Not long after returning to the United States with my family, I read an article from Michael Hyatt expressing a similar experience when he and his wife attended a dinner party. Their friend, Luci Swindoll, told everyone as they entered her home for the party, “I have only one rule… there will be only one conversation at the dinner table.”

The reason for my experience in Dublin was not obvious to me right away until I read Hyatt’s article. Then it became clear! Here are some of the benefits Michael Hyatt points out from one conversation dinners.

• It validates and honors everyone by giving all a chance to be heard
• Sets the stage for real connections
• It makes everyone feel comfortable

You can read Hyatt’s take and all 6 of the benefits he sees in his article.

What I learned about better conversations

Over the years I’ve come to understand that conversations are valued by people who value others. Relationships are developed into stronger ties through good conversation. If someone takes the time to foster great conversations, I’ve found it’s safe to assume this person also values relationships.

“ Life is better in the company of others. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

As humans, we were built to commune with others. I know some of you may be reading this and saying to yourself, “Not me. I like my alone time! I recharge when I can get away from everyone else.” I can relate to that, because I recharge my batteries through retreat. But when I think about my life, it would be meaningless without the closest relationships I have with a small number of people.

Relationships Require Presence

For me, my strongest personal relationship is with my wife. At times when I need to recharge my batteries, I may need some time by myself. I might need to read a book or take 3-mile run. But, I would not be happy living in solitude like that forever. An interesting thought I’ve heard before is the definition of when you love someone… “You want nothing more than to be in their presence.”

“ When you love someone, you’ll want nothing more than to be in their presence.

Hundreds of years ago handwritten letters kept us connected with the ones we loved. Years later the phone brought us even closer by allowing us to hear someone’s voice. Today we have tools like FaceTime and Skype to make our loved ones feel even closer. But we all know… it doesn’t replace being in the same room with someone. I experience this for myself whenever I travel overseas for my work.

Relationships are built in four ways:

• Proximity – Get together with others in person
• Frequency – Meet more often with people
• Duration – Spend quality time with others and don’t be in a rush
• Depth – Create one conversation and make it safe for others to share personal beliefs

How will you strengthen your relationships in 2018?

Thank you for allowing me into your email inbox in 2017. My hope is that you’ve been able to take some of my communication training and experiences to apply to your own situations. I’ll say this again, I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I’m always willing to share what I’ve learned.

I hope you have amazing conversations as you close out 2017 with your family and friends! I’m wishing you, your family, and your friends better communication and stronger relationships in 2018!

Happy New Year!

All the best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

Get the Corporate Ovations Video Self-Study Course for FREE!

Public speaking and presentation skills are a key to your career success. Learn the same skills we’ve taught to thousands of corporate customers over the past decade in this FREE video-based program. It’s all designed to help make you a better speaker no matter what your skill level.

When you sign up for my weekly blog I’ll send you a link to iSpeak’s Corporate Ovations Self-Study Course. It comes with 12 lessons on public speaking. Each lesson includes a teaching video, exercise, application exercise and a challenge to get you out of your comfort zone.  You can get the Self-Study Course here.

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales professionals gather the most important data and then use that information to align the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.