This week I finished a book on my flight back from Seattle. The Like Switch is by retired FBI Agent Dr. Jack Schafer. I love reading about people who use communication skills to navigate tense situations. I can’t think of a more tense situation than international espionage! Dr. Schafer shared tactics used by the FBI to gain access to others by genuinely befriending these individuals.
While I still think I’d make a pretty good spy, I don’t think I could actually keep up with Tom Cruise if the Mission Impossible movies are what field work looks like. I’d probably be the guy back at the lab reviewing transcripts of recorded conversations.
One interesting method I learned from Dr. Schafer’s book was the friendship formula. While he may have applied it to approach foreign nationals about spying, we can all use this (and we already do!) to make new friends and to develop stronger friendships.
The Four Methods for Making Friends
Proximity
According to Dr. Schafer, it is easiest to make friends when we are in close proximity to other people on a regular basis. One fascinating aspect of this technique is the projection of good feelings we will attribute to others. In other words, when someone experiences an endorphin rush from a fun experience (exercising, a 10k race, watching an exciting movie, competitive sport, watching sports, etc.) we will subconsciously attribute the positive feeling to the people we are with.
As a spy, Schafer said that agents who were assigned a target would make it a habit to be seen in certain areas where the target would frequent. I don’t recommend stalking potential friends in a creepy way. But, we should think about how we can make an effort to socialize with others in person. In other words, put down the technology communication tool and have a go0d ol’ fashioned face-to-face conversation with someone.
Frequency
The more frequently we associate with someone, the more comfortable we become with that person. Of course, this is assuming the two of you are both friendly to be around! The more often you visit with someone, the closer the relationship becomes. This sounds like common sense and it’s definitely simple… but it isn’t always easy.
We’re all busy these days and we don’t always have margin in our calendar to sit and visit with others. If we aren’t able to make the effort to create time in our schedule for others, we can expect the friendship will not flourish as much as it could.
Duration
I think this one boils down to getting comfortable with someone. Not necessarily rocket science, but it makes sense. If you’re able to spend quality time with another person instead of always making them feel like you’re in a rush, your friendships will become stronger.
While in some cases I can agree with Benjamin Franklin, it’s also obvious that quality time with someone usually means dedicating more time. The best conversations aren’t measured in seconds.
Intensity
Dr. Schafer’s basic premise here focuses on the intensity of the interactions you have with someone. For example, when two people survive a life-threatening ordeal, they often develop life-long friendships. I’m not suggesting you choreograph an avalanche-survival hiking trip with someone you’d like to know better.
Schafer points out that even watching an adventure survival movie with another person can give the intensity needed to feed the friendship. Mild experiences like doing a skydiving excursion or zip-lining adventure with someone, can foster stronger ties with them.
Another method of increasing intensity is a willingness to wade into the deep end of conversations. If you’ve known someone for awhile but don’t feel like your friendship is as strong as it could be, consider asking questions about core values when you have the right amount of time and the best environment.
The Golden Rule of Friendship
All four of these can be summarized into what Dr. Schafer calls the golden rule of friendship. This golden rule says that we like people who make us feel good about ourselves. If we use all four of these methods properly, we can help others feel good about themselves.
When we have a true friendship we cherish, it tends to be more about serving and supporting the other person. Through that mutual support and care for each other, lifetime friendships will enrich our lives.
The richest lives are secured with the ties of friendship.
I’m gonna go spend some time with my friends,
Russ
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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
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