“Well, that guy’s an idiot.” He said it so matter-of-fact. As if he were pointing out the color of the car we were riding in. It was stated as if “Everyone knows it. It’s common knowledge and everyone agrees with me.” Wow. That’s a strong opinion. I couldn’t help myself. I just had to ask one question…

“What makes you say that?”

This was just another way to ask “Why?” He obviously had a strong opinion (very strong!) about this guy. Strong opinions like that don’t just happen. I wanted to know how he came to that conclusion. He learned it somewhere.

Questions lead to understanding

I’m a speaker, a facilitator, an instructor or you can just call me a teacher. As a teacher I’m fascinated with how we learn. When we have an opinion on anything, it was learned. It had to be processed at some point based on some external stimuli.

Think about it, you didn’t have any opinions when you were born. You’ve learned them all over time. When it comes to our opinions of people, we’ve learned them also. There are only 4 ways you can really know a person. If you have an opinion about someone, it originated from one or more of these four sources:

1. What they look like
2. What they say
3. Observing their actions
4. Through someone else’s testimony

Question others to grow relationships

You cannot have a great conversation without questions. The questions I’ve found most revealing are those questions that get to the source of a belief. This means we need to ask the “why?” question. In some cases, asking “why?” directly with that one simple word will be misinterpreted as either condescending or disapproval from you. To prevent that from happening, you can think about rewording that simple question to something less threatening.

• Where does that opinion come from?
• Where did you first learn that?
• How long have you felt that way?
• What motivated you to do that?
• What prompted that response?

The conversations with my wife have been so good sometimes that our time seems to slip by and we don’t even notice how long it’s been. Our relationship has grown because we not only learned more about each other, but we learned more about ourselves too.

Question yourself to grow personally

If you want to learn more about yourself, do a little meta-thinking on your own personal opinions. The next time you have an opinion on something, stop and ask yourself, “How did I come to that conclusion so quickly?” It had to originate somewhere.

So much of what we do in our workshops can be ambiguous with many different options for a communication response. It can be overwhelming for our students when they consider all the potential ways to respond. This is where we simplify with a tool or a model that makes it easier to respond. After an exercise where students have been pushed out of their comfort zone, we offer them a few moments of silence to reflect on a couple questions. These questions always include some form of the “Why?” question.

• What was the most difficult part for you in this exercise? Why is that?
• Which model do you think would be the most effective for you? Why did you select that one?
• What area of your job can you see this having the most impact? Why do you say that?

Take your conversations into the deep end

Rather than focus conversations on shallow questions and topics, challenge yourself to swim into the deep end of your relationships. Let’s develop our relationships by learning more about other people. We will probably learn a little bit more about ourselves in the process.

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If you had to pick one “why?” question to ask yourself right now, what would it be? (leave comments below)

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For me right now… Why did I eat that?
Russ

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How can iSpeak assist you with Leadership Communication Training for your Team?

Visit iSpeak’s website for a list of workshops and descriptions.

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I collected over 80 quotes that give me inspiration as a salesperson and leader. I hope they bring you some inspiration as well. Get my FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.