When was the last time you had a great conversation with someone? I’m serious. Think about the last time because I want you thinking about that conversation as you continue to read today’s blog. We will review the 3 elements that make a great conversation and you can see if they showed up in that last conversation.
Are You Ready?
So here’s the first part we all need to agree on… just because you thought it was a great conversation, doesn’t mean the other person did too. Can we all agree on that? Yep, I’m willing to admit it too. Sometimes I love a conversation with someone and then later realize the other person may not have felt the same way.
Why would I think that? Because looking back on that conversation, I didn’t do these three things and my conversation partner did! So while I may have enjoyed the conversation, my partner most likely did not.
The Research
Don’t worry, I’m not going into professor-lecture mode, I promise. Just a quick note on where these 3 steps originated. Much research has been done by social psychologists on how we communicate with each other and the effects our communication has on each other.
One interesting study was conducted by several researchers at Harvard, led by Karen Huang. The study wanted to extend previous research done by others on something called “responsiveness” which to you and me really just means “likability.”
Their question was two-fold, First, they wanted to know if asking follow-up questions would increase likability. Of course, you and I immediately think, “Really? they had to research this?” But of course, they had their hunches too. They just wanted scientific measurement and proof. What may be even more interesting was the second question they wanted to answer.
Second, if it is true, and it certainly seems like common sense that it would be true, then why is it that some people participate in conversations without ever asking a question of the other person? If it’s common sense, shouldn’t we all be pretty good at this?
The Three Steps To Better Conversations
I’m calling this better conversations because if both parties in the conversation do these three things, the research study proves they will both enjoy the conversation and ultimately enjoy each others’ company even more.
First Step: Understanding
People like to be understood, but for them to be understood, the other person needs to be a good listener. There’s a lot of info out there on how to be a good listener, but I’ll keep the focus on this research study, which focused on questions.
How can you show the other person you want to understand them? It’s simple… ask them a question so they can express their thoughts, opinions and feelings. Don’t just ask a question about facts and data.
Ask this…
“How did y’all pick Antigua for your anniversary trip?” (This question allows the other to express their opinion on a choice.)
Not this…
“When are you going on vacation?” (This question is too closed. The answer will be a fact, not an opinion.)
Second Step: Validation
When do people feel better in a conversation? It’s when your conversational partner validates your opinion, thought, or feeling. Think about your own conversation I asked you to come up with at the beginning. Someone most likely asked you a question. You expressed your thoughts or opinion. Then what happened?
Did they validate your opinion? Everyone’s entitled to an opinion and even if they have a different one, did they validate yours? When someone confirms your thoughts, feelings or actions, we feel comfortable and safe in the conversation.
Please don’t think I’m asking you to agree with everyone on everything just to make friends. I’m simply asking you to confirm the other person has an opinion. The research suggests we like to know someone else has heard us and they validate our line of thinking… even if they disagree.
Say this…
“That sounds like an amazing place to visit.”
Not this…
“Antigua? That place is crazy expensive! Why would you go there? You would’ve been better off going to Jamaica.”
Third Step: Caring
The final step is to show the other person you care about what they’ve shared. What’s the easiest way to do that? Ask a follow-up question.
The research study found that when someone not only asks you one question, but then asks a follow-up question based on the answer you’ve given, you’ll feel more like the other person truly cares about you and your responses.
Unfortunately, in many cases, that doesn’t happen. Instead, the person hears your answer to the first question and then immediately turns the story back to himself/herself based on what you said.
Say this…
“Where did you go for your anniversary trip?” (Response: “We went to Antigua.”)
“That sounds amazing. What was the best part?”
Not this…
“Where did you go for your anniversary trip?” (Response: “We went to Antigua.”)
“I’ve never been there. We usually go to the Bahamas. You can get to the Bahamas easily with the direct flights from Atlanta.”
The Blind Spot
And this brings us to the second finding in the research study, which I find even more interesting. It’s a natural blind spot we all share. While it seems like common sense that asking questions, validating responses, and asking follow-up questions will increase your likability, most of us are blind to that fact and we don’t do it.
In other words, when we dominate conversations with talking about ourselves instead of asking questions, we don’t even realize we’re doing it!
Ouch.
The Bottom Line
It’s a simple 3-step process we can all use to get better at conversations:
- Ask a question to UNDERSTAND the other person or their situation
- VALIDATE what they tell you as a legitimate opinion, even if you personally don’t agree with them.
- Ask them a follow-up question to show you CARE about them and what they’re telling you.
As simple as these steps sound, I’ll be the first to admit it. I still need practice implementing them! I leave some conversations and realize I dominated the conversation and didn’t ask nearly enough questions about the other person. But, I can always work on it.
See you next week,
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iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?
Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. His leadership blog assists leaders in giving voice to their vision. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
Love this! Always so insightful and will help me in my conversations…and you are pretty handsome too! Xoxo
Thanks Babe… I think your both biased and sweet on me, and I’m okay with both. 😉 Hope this 3-step template is helpful to us all.