It was the final minutes of a tied game and I was in my usual varsity soccer starting position of Center Fullback watching our offense crash on the opponent’s goal. That’s when the referee blew the whistle while hoisting a yellow card to the opposing team. The other team’s Center Fullback had taken a cheap shot on my forward within the 18. Our team has a chance to win with this penalty shot! That’s when I got the call…
My coach yelled from the sidelines, “Peterson! Get up there and take that kick!” As a defender, I had rare opportunities to ever score a goal. My job was to stop others from scoring! Now please understand, I wasn’t totally without offensive ball skills, but I was just a defender. My coach knew that, but he was always encouraging. He showed his belief in me that day when he called my name for this moment.
Call it nerves or inexperience, but high and to the right didn’t win the day. I was crushed and I showed it with a fist slammed into the pitch. I left the field and my coach put a hand on my shoulder, gave me tight squeeze and direct eye contact before he said, “Next time.”
My first thought was “Whatever! There won’t be a next time! Why would you ever call on me again? I’m a defender! Why wouldn’t you just call on a forward to take that shot? There won’t be a next time.”
Coaching others to reach their potential can be difficult because we find ourselves in a balancing act of how much to demand and encourage. Nancy Darling, psychologist and parenting expert, has studied the effects of demanding and supportive approaches to coaching and the results. Her work was referenced in Angela Duckworth’s book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. The combination of the coaching demands and support can have tremendous effects on the tenacity and success of the individuals.
Demanding vs. Undemanding
I truly believe everyone performs better with a coach or trainer. Someone who can push you to give just 10% more than what you would have done on your own. Someone who will hold you accountable to a higher standard just outside your current comfort zone.
Without the discipline of commitment to reach further, you won’t improve. Remember, there’s no growth in the comfort zone and there’s no comfort in the growth zone. If you want to coach others to improve, you will need to demand change, outside their comfort zone, and they must be held accountable to that standard.
Remember “Facing the Giants” and how Coach Taylor pushed Brock to achieve more than he ever thought possible? First, Coach blindfolded Brock and asked him to put his faith in the Coach. Then Coach Taylor became the greatest encourager you could imagine. Demand more and encourage. It’s a powerful scene.
Supportive vs. Unsupportive
Demanding more from others without support can be detrimental. We all need support when we struggle or we will give up too soon. Demands without support is an authoritarian relationship, just making demands and telling them to figure it out. “Suck it up, Buttercup!”
If you are former military and flashing back to boot camp, you’ve been on the receiving end of these types of demands. But even in Navy SEAL training, some of the toughest physical, mental and psychological testing anywhere, the SEALS are taught to never go it alone. They learn the importance of supporting each other.
While they have a demanding coach wanting more from them, they find their coaching support in each other, and that’s by design. The Navy wants them to become reliant on their brothers. They are either with one buddy or a SEAL team for each part of the training. They learn how they can endure much more than they ever thought possible when they have the support of their team.
My Coach’s Encouragement…
For the next two weeks my soccer coach’s favorite two words to me at every practice were, “Next time.” I heard it so much I was determined to practice my penalty shots until I couldn’t get them wrong. Before practice or after I was taking shot after shot. I had lost faith in myself, but he believed in me.
That Friday night at our next game, our forward was slide tackled from behind within the 18 and once again the whistle blew for a penalty shot. I couldn’t help but look to the sidelines wondering if my coach was all talk or if he truly believed in me.
“Peterson! Get up there!”
This time was different. No nerves, just the same kick I’d practiced hundreds of times over the past two weeks. It wasn’t the game-winning goal, but it will always be the most memorable goal for me. It was because of a coach who wouldn’t let me stop believing in myself. He demanded much more from me in practice and he encouraged me even when I didn’t believe in myself.
As a coach, you will demand disciplined effort from others, but also give them support when they don’t feel like they can go on. It’s the coach’s job to see the potential in others even when they can’t see it in themselves. Coaches bring out the best in others through a blend of discipline and encouragement.
I challenge each of you who take up the mantle of coaching to never sacrifice on your demands but always be the first to support them when they miss the goal.
Still pushing myself to be a better coach,
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iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?
Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. His leadership blog assists leaders in giving voice to their vision. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.
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