If you’re like me, as we enter the holiday season, I begin to think about the parties and family gatherings to come. We all enjoy seeing the friends and family but let’s be honest… sometimes our conversations could be improved and we’re the ones who might need to change! I began this year with a blog post on “How to have the best conversations in 2018.” It was based on a tool I learned from Michael Hyatt.

How are you doing?

What’s the status of your conversations in 2018? Have you improved as a conversationalist and as a friend? I know I’ve seen some improvement in myself but I’ve still got a ways to go. I’m working on it. As we enter the holidays, now is a great time to remind ourselves of the tools we can use to improve our conversations with others, but more importantly, improve our relationships with others.

Reminder 1: The One Conversation Rule

In a quick summary of “How to Have the Best Conversations in 2018” the one rule to try at the dinner table is the “One Conversation” rule. What this means is that when you have a table of 8 people, you have 1 speaker and 7 listeners. You have one conversation at the table. No side conversations are allowed.

I’ve tried this before and found that it is an incredibly powerful tool for building relationships between everyone.

Reminder 2: What should we AVOID in conversations?

Through research, observation, and my own personal experience I’ve found there are 7 things to avoid when in conversation with others. I call them the 7 deadly sins of poor conversations. I’m not calling any of these out in judgement because I’m willing to admit, I’m guilty of each one.

The road to improvement for anything begins with awareness because once you’re made aware of a situation, you’re faced with a decision. You are at a fork in the road and you can see the two paths clearly. Once you are at the fork and you can see the fork… you must make a choice. Awareness is the exposure to the fork in the road. We always begin change at the fork.

Are you guilty of these 7 deadly sins in your conversations?

Reminder 3: What should we DO in conversations?

Instead of the 7 deadly sins you could just strive to do the opposite, but is there more? Learning again from my own personal mistakes and failures, along with the coaching and research from others, I’ve discovered 5 tools to have the best conversations. I call these tools “virtues” because they seem to be the foundation of solid conversations and more importantly, solid relationships.

Virtue can be defined as “moral excellence.” In that sense, virtues are closely related to core values. They are the essence of truth and cannot be simplified to anything more foundational that itself. They stand alone as a truth.

You will notice how “The 5 virtues of great conversations” are all centered on questioning and listening. None of the virtues of conversation center on your speaking. It’s not about you speaking… it’s about what you’re doing when you’re NOT speaking!

“ It’s not about you speaking… it’s about what you’re doing when you’re NOT speaking!

I hope your Thanksgiving was filled with family, friends, and great conversations. As we move into a season of holiday parties and gatherings, my hope for us all is that we build stronger relationships with each other by leveraging some of these conversation tools.

Thankful for you all!

See you next week,
Russ

Have you ever thought about leaving your current job? Have you ever switched jobs just to find out you’re back in the same situation again? There is always an inherent risk in making a job change. Will you be better off? Or, should you just stay where you are for now? Is there any way to know for certain before you make the switch?

My Student’s Wake-Up Call

Jerry stepped to the front of my classroom and began sharing his story. He was a student in my storytelling workshop.

Jerry was at home working on his laptop and preparing for his next trip to the airport. Both of his daughters approached him holding a piece of paper close to their chest. “Daddy we drew you a picture!” He finished typing his email and then looked up from his laptop with a smile, “You did? Show it to me!”

The two girls proudly laid the picture on his lap and began to explain the picture. “This is me.” quickly followed by “And THIS is me!” They were both competing for his attention. Then they added, “And here’s you Daddy.” His smile began to fade as he gazed at the portrayal of his family through his children’s eyes. The picture needed no further explanation from his daughters. Jerry was speechless.

On one side of the drawing his daughters were standing with his wife by the house. On the other end of the page Jerry was standing next to an airplane with a computer and a suitcase, waving back to his family as he left for another business trip. There was something about the picture that struck a deep chord inside.

It was a realization of the life he was missing when he was gone. It was a picture of how his daughter’s would remember their life with him as they were growing up. It was the realization he would never get this time back again… ever. It was the forecasted pain of his future self looking back on a life full of business success but always wondering if he had failed at home.

In his own heart and mind, he wondered which was the most important right now. At this point in his life… where can he make the greatest impact? Is it with his family? Is it at work and in business? Is it possible to impact both? In the end, he knew he needed to make a very tough decision.

Finally Happy?

That day he turned in his resignation and began looking for another job, closer to home and with less travel. Luckily as a consultant with great relationships, it didn’t take long. Within a few weeks he ended up working for one of his consulting clients. Why didn’t he make this change before? Was he finally in the place where he’d be happy?

Nope.

While this job had much less travel and afforded him more time at home, he found himself dissatisfied at work. He felt like he was just going through the motions. That unsettled feeling came over him again. He couldn’t shake it. Once again, Jerry began looking for a new career opportunity. It was time for another change, but this time he’d approach the decision more methodically.

Jerry took more time to define his own professional skill set, the challenges he enjoys, all in a position with little travel required. That’s how he ended up with the job he has now and he couldn’t be happier.

As he finished up his story, he paused for a moment. Then he shared the moral of his story with us all. Everything Jerry learned from this experience could be boiled down to one question we can all use to predict our future satisfaction.

The One Question To Predict Your Future Satisfaction

While none of us has a crystal ball, we’d all like to make better choices and avoid the bad ones. Here’s the one question we can all use to do just that. It’s so simple, but yet so profound.

Are you running away or running toward?

With Jerry’s first move he realized he wasn’t running toward a better life and career choice. He was only running away from his current situation. This became clear to him when he lost all job satisfaction in his new role and he started to question his first move. Jerry knew his career and family satisfaction required him to run toward a better tomorrow, not just run away from his current situation.

If you’re jumping into a new role because you’re trying to escape your current situation, you may find a life boat for now, but you may not be satisfied for long. Imagine if you were on a sinking ship, you’d gladly jump into any life boat just to get away. But after a few weeks on the open sea in a small life boat, you’d be ready jump again!

The Point is This…

If your primary motivation is to run away from something, you may end up in a less-than-ideal destination. True… it could serve as a life boat, but is that really what you want? You’ll take just about anything when you’re just trying to get away.

But, if you’re running toward something, something that truly inspires you, something that gives you purpose, then you’re moving in the right direction.

Don’t live a life just running away. Live a life running toward!

Still trying to run toward…

See you next week,
Russ

It’s no secret some people interpret disagreement as a sure sign you’re an enemy combatant. How do I know? Because I’m as guilty as the rest of us. When somebody disagrees with me (e.g. business, politics, religion, etc.) my brain jumps into battle stations, “Shields up! Divert all power to the forward cannons! Fire when ready!” Have you been there before? Can you relate?

If you’re like me then you really do want to get better, but it isn’t always easy. To use a biblical word, I always find myself repenting of my actions later, but I wish I could get better at preventing it from ever starting. Afterwards I start thinking something like…

“Wow… I need to apologize to him for what I said.”

“Ugh… how could I have let myself say that.”

“Whoa… I wish I could put those words back in my mouth.”

Everyone’s Opinion has an Origin

Like many things in life, I find this reminder simple but not easy. Nobody has a strong opinion without their opinion being rooted in something. In other words, people believe in something for a reason. Do you know what their reason is?

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey addressed this so beautifully when he reminds us to understand the other person’s point of view before you attempt to share your point of view.

We all make decisions based on our personal interpretation of the world. We all like to think that we’re being logical with our decisions. In other words, we all have opinions that make sense to ourselves. So before we act or react, we can all take Covey’s advice and do our best to understand the origin of this person’s opinion before we respond. Even if we disagree, it can still provide some perspective on why this other person has a strong opposing view.

“ Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood. —STEPHEN COVEY

The Interpretation Process

Every time we’re placed in a situation, we interpret everything going on around us. Kerry Patterson tells us (Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success) our situation isn’t what makes us feel good, feel bad or feel anything else. He says the feeling we feel is generated by our own mind when we tell ourselves a story. In other words, there is a logical 4-step sequence to how we act and react.

It goes like this:

1. Exposure to a situation
2. We tell ourselves a story based on our interpretation and speculation
3. The story generates a feeling (love, contempt, animosity, anger, etc.)
4. We act or react based on the feeling

The One Forgotten Step

The story we tell ourselves is the forgotten step in Patterson’s process. Most of us think other people makes us mad. In fact, we’re probably all guilty of saying it at one time, “You make me so angry!” Patterson says that really isn’t true at all. Other people don’t make you angry… you make yourself angry! We make ourselves angry by telling ourselves a story.

“What a jerk, he’s only concerned with making money!”

“Only an idiot would think we should vote for that.”

“She doesn’t care about anyone but herself… and that’s obvious!”

So, if it’s the stories we tell ourselves that create the strong feelings, then maybe there is some hope we can regain control over how we feel, and react in tough situations.

But the toughest part now is… how do we control the story?

How do we change?

Like I said before, it’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy! The simple solution is to start telling yourself a different story. When you find yourself in a situation where your blood starts to boil, slow down. Ask yourself a few questions…

“Why am I getting angry about this?”

“What story did I just tell myself?”

“Why does this person think this is a logical solution?”

“ Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. —MATTHEW 5:9

I know it’s simple but it definitely ain’t easy! I’m right there with you. I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me. Together, we can get through anything. We’re better together.

I control my own stories… I control my own stories…
Russ

He paused for a moment and then answered my question. “I want to learn how to be more influential today.” I was in Seoul, Korea for a week of leadership communication training. I had asked all four of the leaders what they wanted to discuss during our time together.

This leader’s request was not so different from what I’ve heard before, but there was a sincerity in his voice that struck me as a longing for truth. I sensed he was ready to change anything for his team if it meant their success.

This was my last day of training in Korea, a half-day conversation with 4 senior leaders. The conversation was great and the discussion was both raw and honest. These were the type of leaders you’d love to have as a boss. I’m always humbled by the opportunity to share what I’ve learned with others, but most of the time I sincerely feel like I learn more from them by just being a part of the conversation!

The Problem

He expanded on his first comment, “People don’t always want to do what we need them to do. I want to learn methods for persuading them to get the job done.” This issue is all too common for leaders. It’s an age-old question for leaders, but before I could offer any help, I had to ask a clarifying question.

Define Your Desired Result

I asked him, “Do you just want them to get it done or do you want them to want to get it done?” He paused for a moment and asked, “What’s the difference? Either way they get it done, right?” There’s a difference because if we want them to want it, it will take a different tool and more time. If we really just need them to get it done, regardless of how they feel about it, we can get it done faster.

So what’s the first step? The first step is to decide which kind of result you really want. Do you want a compliant team? (i.e. they do it, but they don’t really care.) Or, do you want a committed team? (i.e. they do it and they love doing it!)

Many will immediately say, “I want them to want to do it! That would be my target every time!” But think carefully before you answer because that’ll take more work and sometimes, it’s really not necessary. There are times when the team is under pressure to get it done and we don’t have time to worry about people’s feelings. We just need to get it done! While commitment would be great all the time, sometimes it’s just not necessary. In those cases, I’ll settle for compliance.

If you want a Compliant Team…

This is when we just need to get the job done. We don’t have the luxury of time to build commitment. We just need the work to get done! When there is a tight timeline on a project and the leader needs everyone to work late tonight. The team may not like it, but it will get done.

For compliance the leader can leverage what’s called the Strength Power Base. Because of the leader’s org chart title, he / she is given power to direct the team. As long as you want to remain a member of the team, you will comply with the direction from the leader. That’s easy enough. It gets the job done, but doesn’t concern itself with the feelings of the team. It’s fast and effective when we focus on the task.

If you want a Committed Team…

Gaining commitment from the team is going to be a bit trickier and it will take more time. Commitment (action plus strong positive feeling) comes from a team who understands “the why” behind the work. Not only do they understand “the why” of the work, but they believe in “the why!” Another name for “the why” is purpose.

The leader responded to me and said, “So we want them passionate about the work. Right?” While I love seeing passion in people, I told him, “Not necessarily. I think something else trumps passion every time… purpose.” The quizzical expression I received in return told me I should explain further.

I thought I’d give him the sand bag example I originally heard from Andy Stanley. “Let’s assume I asked all 4 of you to go outside where you’ll find several piles of sand, some bags, and shovels. Then I tell you we need to get all that sand into bags by tonight. So get to work!” Assuming I was the boss, I’d probably end up with 4 compliant workers filling bags with sand.

Then I continued, “But what if you loved filling sand bags. You had a passion for filling bags.” (I might seriously wonder if you took one of those shovels to the head, but okay… your passionate about sand bags!?!) “Do you think you’d work harder or better than the rest of the team?” I received the typical response you’d expect. All four leaders nodded their heads in agreement. I agreed as well, but I also said I thought it was a bit ridiculous to think anyone would have a passion for filling bags of sand!

Now let’s look at it another way. Let’s assume I start our conversation by telling you the weather channel has predicted massive flooding in this area tomorrow morning. The orphanage next door has 60 young children living there and that building will be under water by this time tomorrow. I need all 4 of you to go outside and fill the sand bags as quickly as you can. If you get them all filled by tonight, we will save the orphanage! Now, I’d say we’d have four people driven by purpose!

Questions…

• Am I more likely to get all of you working harder with purpose?
• Do you think the purpose-driven person would work even harder than the passionate person?
• Even if someone was allergic to sand, do you think they’d be willing to help save the orphanage?
• Do you see how purpose trumps passion every time?

The Solution

When you have the time to influence or persuade to create committed followers instead of just compliant, you need to tie their work to a greater purpose. I’ll admit, it’s easier to do this with some projects compared to others. But, if you can share the purpose, you will answer the question “why?” they’re doing something. Once they understand and agree with the purpose, you’ll have a more productive team.

Passion is great. I’ll take passionate employees all day long. But if they believe in the purpose, they’ll outperform the rest.

Working on my focus…

Best,

My wife and I were both excited to attend the leadership conference! The lineup of speakers included one of my favorites and one of my wife’s favorites.  I was amped to hear from Craig Groeschel on topics like leading change and building systems. My wife was most excited about Lysa Terkeurst and her talk on dealing with disappointment. (and as far as I know, my wife’s interest in that topic had nothing to do with the fact that I was her date for the day!)

Then there was this other speaker, an author by the name Chris Hodges. I knew him as an author, but had never heard him speak before. Besides the one book I could recall (The Daniel Dilemma), I really didn’t know much about Chris. His comments that day were fun, humorous and engaging. I could write several blog posts on his amazing techniques for building approachability with an audience! (Note to self… write a future blog post on Chris Hodges and Approachability!)

So, WHAT’s the One Question?

Chris gave many helpful insights on leadership but there was one insight that just blew me away. It was one of those surreal moments when you realize you’ve just received a moment of truth. He gave us all one question we could use as leaders. This one question is powerful enough to change lives, organizations, communities, and the world. No exaggeration… this is good stuff!

Here it is…

“ What one thing, if it got better, would make the biggest difference? —CHRIS HODGES

This question struck me so hard because it’s both simple and powerful. Knowing why this is such a powerful question and how to use this question, can make you more effective in every aspect of your life. Don’t ever underestimate the significant benefits you can provide to others through the coaching wisdom in this one simple question!

WHY is this Question so Powerful?

1. Because… it’s simple

Elegance is found in simplicity. As the simplicity washed over me, the absolute power of the question began to soak in when Chris shared the story about him and his wife asking this question at least every 3 months on their date night. This one question has strengthened their marriage over the years. There isn’t a 12-step process for improving, there’s just one simple question. That’s it. Just one question. I love simple!

2. Because… it’s focused on only one issue

When I finish any of my workshops, my students usually have several new tools they’ve learned. Instead of asking them to now go and implement all of them, I probably surprise some of them with my final request. I ask them to only focus on implementing one change. When we have too many balls in the air, we don’t really do any of them very well. I love Chris’ question because it keeps us focused on just one issue… Focus!

3. Because… it’s tied to improvement

It’s inherent to the question itself. What would make the biggest difference? Most of us are willing to take on change when we know it’ll have a positive impact. We want that impact to give the biggest bang for the buck! This keeps you from focusing on changes just for the sake of change. The changes you pursue will lead to a positive difference and the biggest difference!

“ Don’t defend what’s not working! —CHRIS HODGES

HOW can you best use this Question?

1. Think about who to ask

When you think about who you could ask this question, two sources come to mind. You could ask yourself this question and you could ask other people this question. What I’ve found from my own experience is that I kinda like me. I mean, when I have an idea, I’m pretty sure it’s one of the best ideas ever! I don’t find myself disagreeing with me too much. Maybe it’s time I admit, I might be a little biased toward my own ideas. I’m jus’ sayin’.

So, what I’ve found is that I might be better served asking other people what should be improved instead of just always thinking I know what’s best. Whether you have ideas for improving your business or your marriage, make sure you get input from others. You can not only improve the outcomes of your business, but also the relationships you have with others.

2. Only ask if you have time to listen

This one question is meant to take your conversations into deeper waters. So, don’t jump into the deep end if you don’t want to swim. These conversations are meant to be savored. So plan on asking them when you have the time to listen and then LISTEN!

“ Nothing improves until something changes. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

3. Expect the work to follow

Something else built into this question is the actionable outcome. Let’s not sugar-coat this… you’re asking for work. You’re asking the other person about what needs to change. The change could be simple or it could be complex, but either way… it will involve you changing something. Remember, nothing improves until something changes. So once you know what needs to change, be ready to get to work!

It’s Wednesday and I’m in St. Louis getting some work done in my hotel room before I speak this afternoon for my customer. When I opened my Blogging Dashboard I noticed something… this is my 100th weekly blog post. That’s two years, almost 100,000 words, and the equivalent of two published books. I paused for a minute as it sank in and I actually said “Wow.”

When I first started blogging two years ago I wasn’t sure exactly how it would all go. What would I write about each week? Would anyone really read it? Would anyone really care? Would it really be helpful to anyone? Without knowing the answers to any of them, I decided to just start at the encouragement of my dear friend Cynthia.

I’ve learned a lot in 25 years of communication and I’ve also learned a lot over the past 2 years of blogging. Here’s four lessons I’ve pulled from this experience.

4 Leadership Lessons for us all…

1. It’s a conversation not a research paper

Talk to people when you communicate, don’t just share research. This applies to Sales Professionals and Leaders too. When you’re speaking to your prospective customer or the team you lead, they want you to communicate with them conversationally.

Don’t do the “show up and throw up” method of dumping data on them. Sure there needs to be a logical reason for making a decision, but they want to be engaged in conversation, not “sold an idea.” Be genuine, be real, and focus on what they need from you… then give it to them!

2. Do it for love

The past two years of blogging has not always been easy. There were times I was filled with self-doubt and I questioned what I was doing. But then, with almost divine perfect timing, I’d get one comment from one person, totally unprompted… “I read your post this week and it helped me with a  conversation that day! Keep it up!”

You’ve all heard this tip before. We will find happiness when we find the work we love. But how do we find that? Here’s a hint… find your work by focusing on how it helps others. You’ll find more joy when you believe in the “why” behind your work. Let your love for others drive your love for the work. Focus on the “why” not the “what” of your work.

“ You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want. —ZIG ZIGLAR

3. Leadership is about relationships, not goals

True leaders know you can’t get everything done on your own. Even with my small blog site, I’ve had to leverage multiple relationships to gather research, obtain guidance, ask for feedback, and request input. (To all of those who have provided input to me over the past two years I am thankful!)

If you want to achieve a goal, whether you’re an individual contributor or a leader, always remember… Goals are achieved through people. So, focus on your relationships first and your goals second.

4. There’s always more to learn; never stop learning

With my first few blog posts I expected to write about what I already knew from my past experience. In the first 100 posts, I’ve probably written equally about past knowledge and something new I’d just learned! No matter what your title is or where you are in your career, there’s always something else you can learn.

The goal for learning more is so you can share more. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backwards. There is no standing still. Don’t learn for personal gain, learn so you can share with others. Think of yourself as a pipeline, not a jar. The knowledge and learning should flow through you to connect and teach the next generation. Don’t let it fill up and stop with you!

Whether you know it or not, people are watching you and learning from you.

What Did You Like?

Based on your reader comments, online shares, and web-page visits, here are the top 8 posts from the first 100 articles.

1. The Authenticity Manifesto
2. Four Ways to Visually Engage Your Audience
3. How to Leverage the Power of “Different”
4. Four Ways to Truly Know the People You Lead
5. Five Reasons Why Stories Are Better than Data
6. Three Steps for a Leader to Create Change
7. One thing you can do this year to improve your influence
8. How the Best Leaders Make Change Stick

Thank you!

Thank you all for being a part of my life over the past two years and THANK YOU for reading and engaging. Please let me hear from you if I can ever help. If you’ve got a suggestion on what to write about or if you need to challenge my thinking, I hope you’ll reach out and connect.

My prayer for you all is better communication for stronger relationships leading you to true joy.

Best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

Get the Corporate Ovations Video Self-Study Course for FREE!

Public speaking and presentation skills are a key to your career success. Learn the same skills we’ve taught to thousands of corporate customers over the past decade in this FREE video-based program. It’s all designed to help make you a better speaker no matter what your skill level.

When you sign up for my weekly blog I’ll send you a link to iSpeak’s Corporate Ovations Self-Study Course. It comes with 12 lessons on public speaking. Each lesson includes a teaching video, exercise, application exercise and a challenge to get you out of your comfort zone.  You can get the Self-Study Course here.

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

I’ve had my struggles with relationships and I’m definitely no saint. Maybe that’s what led me to Dr. John Gottman’s research in the first place. Relationships aren’t easy, but that’s also what makes them so rewarding when they’re working well! What I appreciated most from Dr. Gottman’s research are the four predictors he found for doomed relationships. He calls them…

The Four Horsemen of Apocalyptic Relationships

I’m no expert on Dr. Gottman’s research, but I can share with you what I’ve learned. Then, if you’d like to investigate his research further, I’d recommend you read his blog or contact him directly. Gottman points out, “Our research has shown that it’s not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship.”

Dr. Gottman conducted numerous studies with thousands of couples and could eventually predict (with 90% accuracy) whether or not a couple would divorce! After a 14-year longitudinal study observing emotional connection, they were also able to predict when a couple would divorce! Throughout this research, Gottman found four natural predictors of divorce. Regardless of marriage, I can see how these same predictors can be applied to our relationships with close friends and colleagues.

Are there any Antidotes?

Yes! But before you read any further, please know one thing… the antidotes only work on yourself. You can’t use these antidotes to “fix” the other person. Please understand you can never do that and even if you try… you are walking dangerously close to a very thin line called manipulation. You’re attempting to influence someone else to do something they would not normally do on their own and YOU are the one to benefit.  That is manipulation and that is wrong.

Gottman points out how each of the horsemen can be taken down, but only if you are willing to make changes in yourself. Here are the four horsemen and the antidote for each.

1st Horseman – Criticism

This is when you are critical of the person instead of their actions and decisions. One of the first tools we teach new leaders is how to separate the person from the bad behavior. If you allow the person to be the issue instead of the bad behavior, you are allowing the first horseman to enter the picture. This first horseman alone will not destroy a relationship, but it paves the way for the other three to enter.

Antidote:  Personal Positive Needs

Instead of lashing out with accusations and criticisms of the other person, change your language. You can do this by mentally separating the behavior from the person. Don’t allow yourself to see the person as the problem. The problem is the problem, so work the problem! Then, express your personal feelings for a positive need, instead of lashing out at the person.

Don’t say… “You never listen. You’re always focused on what you want.”

Instead say… “I’m feeling left out of this conversation. Can we talk about my needs for a minute?”

“ The problem is the problem, so work the problem!

2nd Horseman – Contempt

This horseman doesn’t even need words to make himself known. Contempt will show up in a facial expression, rolling of the eyes, smirk of the mouth, undermining comments, or even name calling. This is when you not only disagree with an opinion or suggestion, you actually disagree with who this person is at the core! Gottman found that this is the single biggest predictor of a divorce in couples. These people also tend to be more susceptible to illness due to their weakened immune systems!

Antidote: Appreciation

Remember, Gottman said this horseman alone is the number one predictor of relationships that would end in divorce. Let’s all make sure we have this antidote handy! When you find yourself in contempt of another person, slow your conversation and take time to find something you appreciate in the other person. Appreciation leads to respect, which becomes a foundation for building trust, and trust enables every other aspect of the relationship to improve.

Don’t say… “You’re never happy unless you get your way. You’re manipulative and selfish.”

Instead say… “I appreciate your creativity and innovation when we’re discussing future plans. You’ve always got unique perspectives and ideas.”

3rd Horseman – Defensiveness

This is one horseman we all seem to fall back on quickly when we feel like someone is casting blame our way. This posture is a 1st generation descendant from selfish pride and original sin. When God asked Adam about eating the fruit he gets defensive and immediately blames two people… “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Wow! He blames God and Eve in one sentence! When we feel accused, we get defensive!

Antidote: Accountability

This one is so much easier said than done. As I tell my kids. “It’s like many things in this world… it’s simple, but it’s not easy!” The simple answer is to own it. Without taking the accusation personally, own your mistakes.

Don’t say… “Whatever! You’re always blaming me for everything.”

Instead say… “I know I’m to blame. I’d appreciate if we can both talk more about this in the future so we can avoid any issues.”

“ It’s like many things in this world… it’s simple, but it’s not easy! —RUSS PETERSON JR.

4th Horseman – Withdrawal

My name for this is “the festering wound.” When the first three horsemen have made appearances in a relationship, withdrawing from a conversation can morph them into three raging warlords. Our minds begin to speculate what the other person is thinking. We construct narratives in our mind and I think we can all admit, those stories tend to go down a very dark path.

I see this horseman providing strength to the first three.  If you don’t seek out opportunities to create constructive conversations, withdrawal will provide the fuel to keep this war raging toward a destructive ending.

Antidote: Self-Soothing

What does “self-soothing” mean?  It means “take a temporary break” without dismissing the entire conversation. Get out of your situation and do something that takes your mind off the conversation and soothes your mind. As a conflict response strategy, this form of avoidance is meant to be temporary. It’s NOT a permanent solution. This is a temporary break and both parties know it’s only a break. It’s not a permanent dismissal.

“I know we’re not done here, but I need a break. Can we please pick up this conversation tomorrow when we’re both ready to discuss this further?”

I can speak from my own experience, just knowing these four horseman and their antidotes doesn’t make it much easier to implement them, but it’s a start. My biggest struggle is to keep my emotions in check and remain in the conversation, instead of letting the horsemen run wild through my mind.

Here’s to a great 2018 with no relationship horsemen in it!

All the best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

Get the Corporate Ovations Video Self-Study Course for FREE!

Public speaking and presentation skills are a key to your career success. Learn the same skills we’ve taught to thousands of corporate customers over the past decade in this FREE video-based program. It’s all designed to help make you a better speaker no matter what your skill level.

When you sign up for my weekly blog I’ll send you a link to iSpeak’s Corporate Ovations Self-Study Course. It comes with 12 lessons on public speaking. Each lesson includes a teaching video, exercise, application exercise and a challenge to get you out of your comfort zone.  You can get the Self-Study Course here.

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales professionals gather the most important data and then use that information to align the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.