My coach yelled from the sidelines, “Peterson! Get up there and take that kick!” As a defender, I had rare opportunities to ever score a goal. My job was to stop others from scoring! Now please understand, I wasn’t totally without offensive ball skills, but I was just a defender. My coach knew that, but he was always encouraging. He showed his belief in me that day when he called my name for this moment.

Call it nerves or inexperience, but high and to the right didn’t win the day. I was crushed and I showed it with a fist slammed into the pitch. I left the field and my coach put a hand on my shoulder, gave me tight squeeze and direct eye contact before he said, “Next time.”

My first thought was “Whatever! There won’t be a next time! Why would you ever call on me again? I’m a defender! Why wouldn’t you just call on a forward to take that shot? There won’t be a next time.”

Coaching others to reach their potential can be difficult because we find ourselves in a balancing act of how much to demand and encourage. Nancy Darling, psychologist and parenting expert, has studied the effects of demanding and supportive approaches to coaching and the results. Her work was referenced in Angela Duckworth’s book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. The combination of the coaching demands and support can have tremendous effects on the tenacity and success of the individuals.

Demanding vs. Undemanding

I truly believe everyone performs better with a coach or trainer. Someone who can push you to give just 10% more than what you would have done on your own. Someone who will hold you accountable to a higher standard just outside your current comfort zone.

Without the discipline of commitment to reach further, you won’t improve. Remember, there’s no growth in the comfort zone and there’s no comfort in the growth zone. If you want to coach others to improve, you will need to demand change, outside their comfort zone, and they must be held accountable to that standard.

Remember “Facing the Giants” and how Coach Taylor pushed Brock to achieve more than he ever thought possible? First, Coach blindfolded Brock and asked him to put his faith in the Coach. Then Coach Taylor became the greatest encourager you could imagine. Demand more and encourage. It’s a powerful scene.

Supportive vs. Unsupportive

Demanding more from others without support can be detrimental. We all need support when we struggle or we will give up too soon. Demands without support is an authoritarian relationship, just making demands and telling them to figure it out. “Suck it up, Buttercup!”

If you are former military and flashing back to boot camp, you’ve been on the receiving end of these types of demands. But even in Navy SEAL training, some of the toughest physical, mental and psychological testing anywhere, the SEALS are taught to never go it alone. They learn the importance of supporting each other.

While they have a demanding coach wanting more from them, they find their coaching support in each other, and that’s by design. The Navy wants them to become reliant on their brothers. They are either with one buddy or a SEAL team for each part of the training. They learn how they can endure much more than they ever thought possible when they have the support of their team.

My Coach’s Encouragement…

For the next two weeks my soccer coach’s favorite two words to me at every practice were, “Next time.” I heard it so much I was determined to practice my penalty shots until I couldn’t get them wrong. Before practice or after I was taking shot after shot. I had lost faith in myself, but he believed in me.

That Friday night at our next game, our forward was slide tackled from behind within the 18 and once again the whistle blew for a penalty shot. I couldn’t help but look to the sidelines wondering if my coach was all talk or if he truly believed in me.

“Peterson! Get up there!”

This time was different. No nerves, just the same kick I’d practiced hundreds of times over the past two weeks. It wasn’t the game-winning goal, but it will always be the most memorable goal for me. It was because of a coach who wouldn’t let me stop believing in myself. He demanded much more from me in practice and he encouraged me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

As a coach, you will demand disciplined effort from others, but also give them support when they don’t feel like they can go on. It’s the coach’s job to see the potential in others even when they can’t see it in themselves. Coaches bring out the best in others through a blend of discipline and encouragement.

I challenge each of you who take up the mantle of coaching to never sacrifice on your demands but always be the first to support them when they miss the goal.

Still pushing myself to be a better coach,

Russ

Let’s connect…

on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. His leadership blog assists leaders in giving voice to their vision. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

It’s two weeks ago and I’m attending a charity dinner as a member of the audience, not the speaker! The guest speaker was with an organization I held in high esteem and I was looking forward to his message. Then he began…

After 4 or 5 minutes of reciting his resume accomplishments and then telling us how the organization planned on spending some of this year’s budget on technology, he paused. I’d have to say, as I looked around the room, the audience was not keenly engaged at this point. It was at this critical moment, he appeared to remember something tangental to the prepared message, and he went off script.

Now, as my wife would be quick to point out, this is pure speculation on my part. But in my defense, I’ve seen and coached a lot of speakers in my career, and in my own personal biased opinion, I can usually tell when my speakers are going off the script with their messages.  

After his pause, he said, “I need to share a story about something that happened about a year ago just so you all can appreciate what we’re dealing with when it comes to a multi-generational workforce and our aging technology.”

He shared an amazing story in a masterful way. He had the audience listening intently and laughing at the ironies of the old and new technology aligned with the older and younger generations. It was magnificent! I couldn’t help but think to myself, “That’s your opening right there!” He did a fantastic job and that’s not just my opinion, that was the audience’s opinion too. You could see it and hear it in their body language and laughter.

The Unsolicited Coach

I’m sure you’ve heard it before, unsolicited feedback usually doesn’t end well… and I would agree! As a speaking coach, I can’t help but take mental notes on any speaker I have the pleasure to hear. Some might say I’m always “judging others” or “Russ, no one will ever want to speak in front of you!”, but I’d argue right back… you’re being a bit pessimistic. I can assure you, most of my mental notes are full of praise for what other speakers do, not criticism.

I’m always humbled by the amazing abilities of other platform speakers. I take so many notes for myself because I want to learn from them. What works with the audience? What did he do to engage the audience? How did that speaker structure the message? Why does she appear so approachable? Why do I feel so inspired right now?

Be a Positive Force

As an audience member, when I leave an event I always try to shake the speaker’s hand and share a few words. I know my words are unsolicited feedback, so I always leave them with the praise and encouragement.

Everyone out there is doing something right… you, him, her, me, all of us. When you’re in the audience, enjoy the message, enjoy the experience, and learn from it. Look for the best parts of the speaker’s delivery and remember something specific.

Then when you leave the assembly, thank the speaker and tell them specifically what they did well. “That was an amazing story you used to parallel the older and younger generation with the older and newer technology. Both the humor and the metaphor had us all engaged. Thanks for sharing that with us.”

Just dropping a “good job” or “I enjoyed your message” is okay, but it’s not as helpful to the speaker. Give them a specific example of something said and why you thought it was so good.

If speakers never get feedback on what worked, they won’t know what to include the next time they speak.

You Have the Power to Impact Future Audiences

When you give your speaker a specific piece of feedback on something that worked well, they will not only learn something about themselves, but you’ll be encouraging them to positively impact future audiences.

So, I challenge you to be a positive force for better communication! The next time you’re in the audience, listen for something done very well and then specifically share that before you leave.

See you next week,

Russ

Let’s connect…

on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

iSpeak teaches workshops on Professional Selling to help sales leaders gather the most important data and then use that information to create the right message. Are your sales presentations closing eyelids or deals?

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. His leadership blog assists leaders in giving voice to their vision. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

“I hate my job.” That’s all he said. Then he just sat there with a blank stare focused somewhere between me and the back wall. It’s a look I’d seen before… but I was the one wearing it back then. Have you been there before? It’s not a fun place. But, you do have choices. You can change it. You actually have 3 choices.

Remember, nothing improves until something changes. That’s just logical. If everything stays the same… then everything stays the same. If you want the situation to improve, then you need to change something! Otherwise, you’ll just keep getting what you’re getting. You’ve got to change something!

Two-Step Process Toward Improvement

You really have two major decisions to make before you can improve your situation. Each decision must be made and if you think you’re not making these decisions, then you’ve really already made your decision. Once you’ve consciously made these two decisions, you can know what to expect out of life. While each of us must decide for ourselves, there is nothing wrong with choosing either option. But, these decisions are made by all of us. When you recognize you’re making these choices, you’ll know what to expect.

Your FIRST Decision

First you need to have a very raw conversation with yourself and make a critical decision about your life. I’m not over exaggerating this when I say it. This question is not to be dismissed quickly. You’ve got to decide who is steering your ship. We’re all moving through life and someone is going to steer. It can be you or it can be someone else.

There is nothing wrong with what you decide. You just need to understand and accept who has the steering wheel. If you get on a bus and the driver says he’s going to St. Louis, then don’t be surprised when you end up in St. Louis! Even if you’d rather be in Baltimore… the bus driver who wants to go to St. Louis is taking you to the gateway to the West!

Stop complaining about being in St. Louis and stop telling everyone about how great Baltimore is this time of year. We’re going to St. Louis and you knew it. If you have a certain set of expectations for your life, but you’ve given the steering over to another person heading in a different direction, you’ll be very disappointed when you don’t end up where you want to go.

What are your options for someone to steer? At a high level I think we all have 3 choices for someone to steer. You can steer yourself, you can let someone else steer, or (if you are so inclined) you can look to a higher power.

Whatever you select, know who’s steering so you know what to expect.

Your SECOND Decision

The second decision is simple, but not easy. The second question is, “Where do you want to steer?” At a very high level, you really have three choices:

• You can work for someone else
• You can be an independent contractor
• You can start your own company

Option 1: Work for Someone Else

When you work for someone else, you can take ownership of your career by working with your internal Organizational Development group to understand your career path options within your company. The OD Department is responsible for the development of the human resources within the organization to fulfill the business objectives for the company. Understand you are on one ship which you are not steering, but you are free to move around the ship and find where you fit in best.

Option 2: Independent Contractor

This is a job with no boss. That’s how I think of an independent contractor. The most successful independent contractors know they do have a boss. In fact, they have many bosses. The bosses are the customers. The best independent contractors are self-starters who understand their business and customer service. In today’s online virtual world, many people are finding this a great place to land. With websites like Fiverr.com and UpWork.com, the people who are highly skilled specialists can focus on using their talents while these web services focus on providing the marketing and sales.

Option 3: Start Your Own Company

This is different from being an independent contractor. From my experience I’ve found many people who are independent contractors and would be very successful if they remained just that, but instead they allow the customers to drive them into starting their own company. It goes something like this…

Independent contractor is a highly skilled specialist and begins working for a customer. She does outstanding work as the technical expert. Through referrals, the contractor gets even more business. Now the contractor discovers she has too much work to complete herself and she also has to do the invoicing, bookkeeping, customer service, quarterly taxes, sales follow-up, and logistics too.

The independent contractor takes care of what she can, starts to outsource some of it or hires her first employee so she can stay focused on what she loves… the technical work she wanted to do in the first place!

Then, before she knows it, the hired help is dropping the ball because she’s put no effort into training these people or giving them any direction. “Why can’t people just do their jobs!” she’s thinking as she’s working on a Saturday now to clean up the errors they’ve made.

Then one day the independent contractor wakes up and realizes they hate their own jobs because they’re running around crazy, doing the extra work they don’t like, and not being given enough time to do the technical work they love so much. Congratulations… you’re an independent contractor with the accidental company you never meant to start in the first place.

“ Go to work ON your business, not IN your business. —MICHAEL GERBER

If you want to start your own company, you’re not doing it because you love the technical work. You’re doing it because you want to build a business that does the technical work. That means it will be your job to create the business plan, define all the processes, create the roadmap for where you’re steering this company, and the proper Organization Development plans to effectively train up the skills of everyone working for you.

As Michael Gerber says in his book The E-Myth, if you started as the independent contractor and found yourself owning a company, you need to “start working on your business not in your business.”

Just another accidental entrepreneur,
Russ

I was asked to coach the CFO for a company in downtown Houston. I asked her more about why we were meeting. She said, “I told them (her audience) they complain too much and they should like this new HR plan. Later my boss (CEO) said I came across harsh and abrasive.” Wow… you think so? As she shared more about how she spoke to her organization, I had a flashback to when I broke one of Grandma’s favorite china pieces and now I was getting a tongue lashing before being sent to my room to “think about what I’ve done.”

Here is what I’ve learned. This is a poor way for a leader to inspire a group to action. I’ve seen this type of approach before and even if it does move the audience to action, they almost always do it out of compliance, not commitment. That means they do it with negative feelings, not positive.

So if you want to get the job done at the expense of how they feel about you or the company, go ahead. Just remember, you can only go back to this well so many times before the crew starts a mutiny.

The Problem

Over the years I’ve coached a lot of speakers and I still consistently see a shallow approach to preparation. The entire focus of developing and delivering a message is on what the speaker wants to accomplish with the talk. In other words, what is the speaker’s goal for the speech? What is the desired outcome?

In business, people are used to setting goals for every project. This is nothing new to them. Set a goal, then achieve that goal! So it doesn’t really surprise me when I see business professionals approach public speaking and presentations the same way.

You’re probably thinking right now, “What’s so wrong with setting a goal? That sounds like a good thing to do!” And to answer your question, NOTHING is wrong with setting a goal. It is a great thing to do! BUT… it’s only half the equation. Most of these same presenters who set a goal for speaking stop right there. They’re always very clear about their goal for speaking. But, they almost never define the current location of their audience. What does the audience want?

“ If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up someplace else. —YOGI BERRA

The Solution

You’ve got to answer the question, “Where is my audience at today?” I was born and raised in Austin, Texas, but we currently live about 30 miles outside of town. Let’s imagine my wife calls me from Austin one day because she’s lost and all gps is not functioning on her devices. She says to me, “Russ, I’m in Austin and I’m lost. I need you to give me directions so I can get home.” What is my first question to her? Exactly… “Where are you?”

Now, grant it, she is lost so she may not be able to answer me exactly, but she could still look around to give me some hints on her current location. This is a logical question to ask when you want to give someone directions. Where are you right now? In fact, if you start giving directions without asking this question, you may end up directing them to the wrong destination!

This same logic applies to anyone wanting to move their audience to a new location. You can set a goal for where you want to take the audience, but if you start giving them directions to that new location without knowing where they are today, your audience may end up someplace else by the time you’re done.

“ The audience knows when you’re speaking to yesterday’s audience. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

The Approach

We teach a method for preparation using the analogy of a bridge over a canyon. The other side of the canyon is the destination, or the goal. The audience is currently on one side of the canyon, opposite of the goal, and there is no bridge to get across. The audience not only needs a bridge, they also need the motivation or inspiration to make the trip across. This is the job of the speaker.

You can define the current location of your audience by answering just 3 questions:

• WHO is your audience?
  Are they salespeople? Accountants? Your team? Executives? A customer? A vendor? A group of new hires? Do your best to define what they have in common and how they may differ. Overall, you want a good understanding of the areas you can appeal to for inspiration. Look for commonalities.
• How much do they currently KNOW?
  What does your audience know and understand about the topic you are presenting to them? Are they subject matter experts? Do they know more than you? Do they even know what you’re talking about today? Have they heard of the project initiative but they don’t know their role yet? Do they think they know everything but they really don’t? What is their level of understanding?
• How much do they really CARE?
  Is this topic something they are interested in? If so, why? Do they care about this project? Do they care about the outcomes? Do they care about you? Do they feel like they are part of a team? Do they feel encouraged by you? Threatened by you? Do they feel like they have a voice? Do they feel like you care about them? If the audience understands the why behind the message and the direction, they are more likely to care deeply. Do your best to figure out how much they care today and use this to meet the audience where they are today.

“ If you’re going to connect, people need to know that you understand them. —JOHN C. MAXWELL

Meet them where they are today

Once you’ve defined the current state of your audience, you’re not done. Even after completing these questions, I still see speakers construct a message that places themselves (the speaker) on the destination side of the canyon (the goal) when the message begins. Picture this, you (the speaker) are standing on the other side of a royal gorge and you’re shouting to the audience to make changes, build a bridge and then cross the bridge to join you.

That sounds like a lot of hard work… and it is! The best speakers meet their audience where they are today. The best speakers come alongside the audience to explain how they too were once at this same starting point. The best speakers connect with the audience’s feelings as they stand on one side of the canyon, gazing across at the other side.

Then, after pointing out the far side of the canyon (the goal), the speaker shows why it’s so important for the team to get to the other side. Finally, the speaker explains how the bridge can be built. At this point, something amazing happens… the speaker can be trusted, the goal is seen as a worthy goal making the audience part of a story bigger than themselves, and the plan for getting there doesn’t seem so daunting.

Now… the audience will not only comply with the plan, they will be committed to the plan!

Try this preparation for your next presentation or speaking engagement. Let me know how it goes!

Best,

My wife and I were both excited to attend the leadership conference! The lineup of speakers included one of my favorites and one of my wife’s favorites.  I was amped to hear from Craig Groeschel on topics like leading change and building systems. My wife was most excited about Lysa Terkeurst and her talk on dealing with disappointment. (and as far as I know, my wife’s interest in that topic had nothing to do with the fact that I was her date for the day!)

Then there was this other speaker, an author by the name Chris Hodges. I knew him as an author, but had never heard him speak before. Besides the one book I could recall (The Daniel Dilemma), I really didn’t know much about Chris. His comments that day were fun, humorous and engaging. I could write several blog posts on his amazing techniques for building approachability with an audience! (Note to self… write a future blog post on Chris Hodges and Approachability!)

So, WHAT’s the One Question?

Chris gave many helpful insights on leadership but there was one insight that just blew me away. It was one of those surreal moments when you realize you’ve just received a moment of truth. He gave us all one question we could use as leaders. This one question is powerful enough to change lives, organizations, communities, and the world. No exaggeration… this is good stuff!

Here it is…

“ What one thing, if it got better, would make the biggest difference? —CHRIS HODGES

This question struck me so hard because it’s both simple and powerful. Knowing why this is such a powerful question and how to use this question, can make you more effective in every aspect of your life. Don’t ever underestimate the significant benefits you can provide to others through the coaching wisdom in this one simple question!

WHY is this Question so Powerful?

1. Because… it’s simple

Elegance is found in simplicity. As the simplicity washed over me, the absolute power of the question began to soak in when Chris shared the story about him and his wife asking this question at least every 3 months on their date night. This one question has strengthened their marriage over the years. There isn’t a 12-step process for improving, there’s just one simple question. That’s it. Just one question. I love simple!

2. Because… it’s focused on only one issue

When I finish any of my workshops, my students usually have several new tools they’ve learned. Instead of asking them to now go and implement all of them, I probably surprise some of them with my final request. I ask them to only focus on implementing one change. When we have too many balls in the air, we don’t really do any of them very well. I love Chris’ question because it keeps us focused on just one issue… Focus!

3. Because… it’s tied to improvement

It’s inherent to the question itself. What would make the biggest difference? Most of us are willing to take on change when we know it’ll have a positive impact. We want that impact to give the biggest bang for the buck! This keeps you from focusing on changes just for the sake of change. The changes you pursue will lead to a positive difference and the biggest difference!

“ Don’t defend what’s not working! —CHRIS HODGES

HOW can you best use this Question?

1. Think about who to ask

When you think about who you could ask this question, two sources come to mind. You could ask yourself this question and you could ask other people this question. What I’ve found from my own experience is that I kinda like me. I mean, when I have an idea, I’m pretty sure it’s one of the best ideas ever! I don’t find myself disagreeing with me too much. Maybe it’s time I admit, I might be a little biased toward my own ideas. I’m jus’ sayin’.

So, what I’ve found is that I might be better served asking other people what should be improved instead of just always thinking I know what’s best. Whether you have ideas for improving your business or your marriage, make sure you get input from others. You can not only improve the outcomes of your business, but also the relationships you have with others.

2. Only ask if you have time to listen

This one question is meant to take your conversations into deeper waters. So, don’t jump into the deep end if you don’t want to swim. These conversations are meant to be savored. So plan on asking them when you have the time to listen and then LISTEN!

“ Nothing improves until something changes. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

3. Expect the work to follow

Something else built into this question is the actionable outcome. Let’s not sugar-coat this… you’re asking for work. You’re asking the other person about what needs to change. The change could be simple or it could be complex, but either way… it will involve you changing something. Remember, nothing improves until something changes. So once you know what needs to change, be ready to get to work!

My son had his eyes set on the biggest stuffed animal, but throwing the balls into the basket was not going to be as easy as it appeared. After three failed attempts at tossing the balls he looked up at me and said, “I want to try again.” I could see where this was going. We would end up spending $40 on a $10 stuffed animal. Well it wasn’t exactly $40, but let’s just say, the carnival midway will remain in business a little longer.

After each attempt of tossing the ball, my son would make an adjustment. He tried different tosses, overhand, underhand, backspin, no spin, hit the back of the basket, lay it in the front. Each attempt taught him something and he’d make an adjustment. Besides, the only thing he was risking was Dad’s money.

Don’t Fear Failure

Why do we fear failure? Probably because there’s something at risk and we’re too focused on losing it. You could argue, “But if we don’t try, then there’s zero chance of failure, right?” Wrong. If you don’t try, you’ve already failed.  You’ve missed out on an opportunity for learning and growth. I’d call that a failure.

None of us want to be seen as a failure but we have to remember what Zig Ziglar said, “Failure is an event, not a person.” Too often we think failure is going to be a reflection on us. If we fail too often, we’ll be defined by it. We will become failure.

According to Daniel Coyle’s research for his book The Talent Code, the most successful musicians, athletes, students, all share a common trait… they relish in their failures because they can learn from those mistakes.

“ You never fail until you stop trying. —ALBERT EINSTEIN

With similar findings, Carol Dweck’s research on what she calls fixed vs. growth mindsets shows that children with a growth mindset are open to failure because they see it as a learning opportunity. Once they learn from the event, they can try something new the next time.

Practice Won’t Make Perfect

I’ve heard people say the quote before, “Practice makes perfect.” Other people prefer the improved version of this quote from Vince Lombardi, “Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect.” I personally don’t think Lombardi’s quote is the best for learning either. The main reason is because the focus is placed on the expectation… perfection. Learning doesn’t occur by focusing on the expectation. You have to focus on something else!

“ Perfection is a direction, not a destination. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

Besides, I don’t believe I’ll ever achieve perfection (on this side of eternity) because I’m a flawed individual. But that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop pursuing it. That’s why I’d rather say, “Perfection is a direction, not a destination.”

Just knowing your destination (the goal or expectation) doesn’t get you there. You need a plan. So where should you place the focus if you want to learn and improve? Your emphasis should be placed on the process, the process of learning.

“ You just can’t beat the person who never gives up. —BABE RUTH

Focus on the Process

This process is circular. Once you reach the end, you start over again. Remember what Babe Ruth said, “You just can’t beat the person who never gives up.”  The only time you get to exit this circle (briefly) is when you achieve success. As I said earlier, it might be success, but I doubt it’s perfection. Since it’s not perfection, there will always be something to learn, then adjust, and then try to improve again.

As Kevin Karschnik says, “There is no best; there’s always a better.” But, trying over and over can be both mentally and physically draining, so make sure you have the motivation or inspiration to change.

The Learning Process

The learning process includes 5 steps:  Try – Fail or Succeed – Reflect – Learn – Adjust

“Trying” is Not a Final Exam

Going back to Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindsets, she found that children who see “trying” as a test of whether you got it or you don’t are less likely to learn and improve. In other words, the fixed mindset shows itself when the children would try something once, fail and then make a comment like, “I can’t do that.” In other words, in their minds their talent was fixed. It was locked in and never going to change.

Don’t allow yourself to see “trying” as the final exam. It’s merely a progress measurement. It’s where you are today, but it’s not your final destination.

What’s the One Thing?

Failure Doesn’t Teach… Reflection Does!

The key element of this entire process often overlooked is reflection. Whether you win or lose, time for reflection will give you the proper perspective to learn from the experience. If you failed in your attempt, take time to reflect on the experience to pull out the learning. But don’t forget to reflect on your wins too!

I’ve been in sales my entire career and I had to learn that you can’t just reflect on the failures to make adjustments for the future, you needed to stay curious and focus on your wins too!

“ Failure is an event, not a person. —ZIG ZIGLAR

There was an opportunity with a customer in California I had been pursuing for 18 months. The call from the customer came through on a Friday afternoon and Chuck told me, “You got the deal!” I was ecstatic for ten seconds and then I realized I had a question for Chuck.

“Chuck, can me and the rest of the sales team fly out there to meet with your decision committee next week?  I’d like to know why you picked us.”

There was silence on the phone at first, but then Chuck spoke up. “Of course you can. We’d be happy to go over it with you.”

For those first 10 seconds of excitement I had forgotten about my learning cycle. This win was a great opportunity for me to reflect on what we did well to win. With that new information, I could adjust my future sales pursuits to replicate even more wins.

Once he agreed to the meeting, I went back to being ecstatic. It was fajitas and margaritas that night!

“ There is no best; there’s always a better. —KEVIN KARSCHNIK

Learning is a life-long process. We don’t stop learning once we graduate from school. But we do stop learning if we fail to reflect on our failures and our successes. Reflection gives us the information we need to make adjustments for the future. Don’t skip it!

Still reflecting and still adjusting…

Best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

Books referenced in this post:

The Talent Code: Unlocking the Secret of Skill in Sports, Art, Music, Math and Just About Anything by Daniel Coyle

Mindset – The New Psychology of Success: How We Can Learn to Fulfill Our Potential by Carol S. Deck, Ph.D.

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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

I love the modern superhero films from Marvel and DC because they seem to take us deeper into the character development and motives that made the heroes who they are today. Superman always fought for “truth, justice, and the American Way.” But I have one problem with that…

Where did Superman get his definition of truth and justice?

Truth certainly isn’t defined by a majority vote. Truth is truth regardless of the vote. And I don’t think there is anyone out there so arrogant to believe they alone can define truth! Truth comes from somewhere and it ain’t us! So where does Superman get his truth? We’re never really told what he believes, but he seems to think right and wrong are always obvious. Unfortunately, I disagree with the Man of Steel. It ain’t always that easy.

“ There is a right and a wrong in the universe and that distinction is not hard to make. —SUPERMAN

As leaders, we are expected to lead from three sources of strength but that strength must be firmly grounded in truth. Those truths are at your center and most of the time we refer to them as core values.

Who defines truth and justice?

Where do your core values come from? If we don’t have a strong core value system defined, we’ll be tossed around like a boat without rudder. The tail ends up wagging the dog. We all need to know our source for truth. We all need to have well defined core values.

When your core values are well defined, your decisions become much easier to make. Your actions ultimately reveal your core values because you cannot act in stark contrast to what you believe. As a Christian myself, I defer truth to a higher power. You may find your truth in the universe as you observe unchanging laws of science. Either way, as a leader, we must lead from a strong core.

Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
    and to walk humbly with your God?

Three Sources of Leadership Strength

1. Justice

The statue of Lady Justice is probably a familiar one to you. You can find her in front of many courthouses around the world. She stands blindfolded and holding a measuring scale. Impartially she evaluates and measures. She holds a sword in the other hand signifying that justice can be swift and final. Justice is truth in action.

As leaders we should seek out the truth and be willing to put that truth into action. One poor example I’ve seen in my own career is when a leader gains a commitment from the team, one person fails to keep his commitment, and then he doesn’t get reprimanded by the leader. In other words, the leader is not being just.

No one ever said being a leader was going to be easy. It may be simple, but it isn’t easy. When you set expectations with your team, be just with those who keep or ignore their commitments.

“ Justice is truth in action. —BENJAMIN DISRAELI

2. Kindness

For me, I don’t see effective leadership without seeing a heart for others. I’ve seen plenty of managers accomplish tasks through strong power bases and questionable influence tactics (manipulation), but the leaders with the most successful teams always have a heart for their followers.

It is possible to be both just and kind. Exceptional teachers, coaches, and mentors are great examples because they have a heart for the ones they lead. The heart of the teacher beats for the mind of the student.

“ You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force. —PUBLILIUS

3. Humility

This is a tough one. I have a suspicion if we’re all honest, we’d say we all struggle with this one from time to time. Humility means we have to check our ego at the door. Because leaders tend to be in the spotlight more than the team members, it can begin to affect the leader’s perception of self and his/her actions. To me, humility is holding yourself accountable to someone else, regardless of their title.

On a personal note, I heard someone say once, “I’m not married anymore. I can stay out as late as I want and I can do anything I want!” That is the exact opposite of humility. If you’re humble, it means you’re willing to hold yourself accountable. Whether your beliefs hold you accountable to a father in heaven or karma or your fellow man or the laws of science. Be willing to humble yourself in the face of truth.

“ True humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less. —C. S. LEWIS

Leaders… we are all called to lead others with justice, kindness, and humility. When we lead from that place we create an environment for the team to excel. Now go be the superhero leader your team needs!

Which Superhero do you think exemplifies these three sources of strength?

Still waiting on my call from Batman to join the Justice League,
Russ

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I collected over 80 quotes that give me inspiration as a salesperson and leader. I hope they bring you some inspiration as well. Get my FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

Last week we looked at the 7 Deadly Sins in Conversations. Rather than just avoiding those 7 to be a better conversationalist, we’ll look at the 5 virtues of outstanding conversationalists. If we can all focus on these 5 when we’re blessed by someone else’s company, the relationship will prosper because of it. Just as I said last week, I’m no saint with avoiding the 7 deadly sins or fulfilling the 5 virtues… but I’m gonna keep on trying. It’s worth it.

If I want to build trust, what should I do?

If you find yourself guilty of the 7 deadly sins of conversation, here are 5 virtues you can implement to become a better conversationalist and build stronger relationships with others.

Virtue #1: Listening more than talking

Both leaders and sales professionals can benefit from listening more than talking. While numerous studies have been done to show others appreciate when we allow them to speak, SalesHacker found that the top sales professionals had the highest ratio of listening (43%) to talking (57%.)

In addition, Randy Conley says in his leadership blog, “Listening shows you care for people and is a critical component of building trust.” As Patrick Lencioni points out, with trust as the critical foundation for leaders and sales professionals to build upon, what better reason do you need for listening to others more than just giving them your thoughts?

“ Trust is knowing that when a team member does push you, they’re doing it because they care about the team. —PATRICK LENCIONI

Virtue #2: Asking open-ended follow-up questions

When I teach a sales communication workshop, of course, we’ve got to have some role-play! When I’m listening to the mock conversations I hear the sales person ask questions but the vast majority of them are closed questions. In other words, they ask for a specific piece of information and then continue their line of questioning. While this method is the fastest path to a destination, it also invites doubt and suspicion from the other person because they feel like they are being led somewhere. Here are some examples of the closed questions I hear from salespeople and leaders:

• Did you know…?
• You like getting things done on time, right?
• Was this what you expected?
• Did you already speak to Janna?
• When are you scheduling the planning meeting?

These questions are great for gathering specific data, but when someone receives too many, they feel like they’re being interrogated! Open questions usually begin with how…, why… or sometimes what…. These questions can’t be answered with a simple one or two word response. If you will phrase your questions so they must be answered with a story you’ll usually find more than you anticipated and you’ll build much stronger relationships.

“ My greatest strength as a consultant is to be ignorant and ask a few questions. —PETER DRUCKER

Virtue #3: Showing empathy when listening

Life is tough. It’s tough on all of us. When someone needs to talk, we should be willing to listen with an empathetic ear. Empathy means that we listen and relate to their situation. Even if you’re tempted, don’t allow yourself to respond in kind with your own hardships. Remember, it’s not a contest and you also don’t want this to turn into a pity party. Listen to this person. Then, let him/her know they’ve been heard.

“ Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another. —UNKNOWN

Virtue #4: Listening without solving

From my own experience, I think men are more guilty of this than women, but we all do it. As we listen to someone’s dilemma, we immediately start to solve the problem. When we do this, our questioning turns to data gathering instead of empathetic questions. “Who did you talk to? When did that start? What have you tried so far? Have you thought about doing this…?” These problem-solving questions make a person feel even more inadequate.

In other words, what they hear in their mind is something like, “If you’d have been a little bit smarter… like me, you wouldn’t be in this mess you’re in today.” You don’t always need to put on the “Mr./Ms. Fix It” Hat. Sometimes people just need to be heard. So let them talk it out. I’ve learned this well after 23 years of marriage. Sometimes my wife just needs me to listen.

“ Honey, I just need you to listen right now. —THE LOVELY AND TALENTED, MRS. PETERSON

Virtue #5: Listening without judgement

When you question to draw out someone’s beliefs and opinions, they know they’re exposing themselves to risk if they respond. The risk is that you will vehemently disagree with their statements and judge them as “less than” you. When someone opens up to offer their own personal opinion, you don’t have to agree with them, but you should listen without judgement.

Remember you don’t have to respond to them as if you’re stepping into battle. Acknowledge their opinions as different than your own, but don’t allow the opinion to be confused with the person. You can dislike the opinion but that doesn’t mean you have to dislike the person.

Then if you really want to wade into the deep end of the pool, question their statement to understand where this belief originated. “How did you come to that conclusion?” or “I’m still on the fence. How did you decide on your stance?” or even, “Where does that belief come from?”

“ Diversity: The art of thinking independently together. —MALCOLM FORBES

What advice do you have for better listening? Leave your comments here or send me an email.

All the best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

OR You can get my weekly Blog Post here.

iSpeak is the winner of FOUR American Business Awards for our Sales Training Programs.

Coming Soon… I’m working on getting you all free access to our Corporate Ovations online Video training… stay tuned!

I collected over 80 quotes that give me inspiration as a salesperson and leader. I hope they bring you some inspiration as well. Get my FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

First of all, please hear me, I’m no saint and I know it. What you’re about to read in this article, I’m guilty of them all and I know it. But one thing I also know about me… I’m an observer. It’s what I do. It’s what I get paid to do! I’m a professional coach and I’m paid to observe how people communicate and then offer my professional feedback on how communication can be improved. After 25 years I’ve picked up a few things I’ve seen in myself and in those whom I’ve been privileged to coach.

From my experience the best communicators are able to develop trust and relationships with how they communicate with others. If we can avoid the pitfalls and focus on the right actions, we can build stronger relationships that stand the test of time.

“ They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel. —CARL W. BUEHNER

Why should we care?

Because we only have two ways to build relationships with others through communication: we can use either verbal or non-verbal communication. What we say to others (verbal) has a profound effect on how other people feel and act toward us.

That’s how we build trust in our relationships. Regardless of the nursery rhyme about sticks and stones and words not hurting, it just isn’t true. How we communicate with others can have a life-changing effect on others, either good or bad. As Stephen Covey says, “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

“ Trust is the most essential ingredient in effective communication —STEPHEN COVEY

What are the 7 deadly sins of conversation?

Whether I’m observing executives, future leaders of an organization, my family, myself, or my friends, I can’t help but do what I do. I’m a coach and my career is built upon observing how people communicate with each other. Here’s what I’ve observed in conversations where one person leaves the conversation feeling either ignored, devalued, or unappreciated.

1.  Make every conversation topic about themselves

You know the type. Every time someone tells a story, this guy has to turn the conversation back to himself. This is also the person that asks a baited question just so they can tell their own story. “So how did you break your leg?” As soon as the person starts to tell their story about the broken leg, this guy responds with the story about his own broken leg 4 years ago. When this person hears another person talking about any topic they share in common, he will immediately jump into his own story.

“ Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad. —KARYL MCBRIDE

2.  Interrupt and don’t let them finish

Sometimes people start listening to a story, only to interrupt with something completely off-subject. One person begins telling a story and then she interrupts with, “Before the waitress comes back, what do you think I should order… the mojito or the moscow mule? Oh wait, here she comes. I’ll just ask her which is better. Excuse me, Miss!”  After the interruption about drinks, she never acknowledges the fact that she interrupted or gives her friend the opportunity to finish the story.

“ Oh, I’m sorry! Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? —ANONYMOUS

3.  Show you’re not listening

Non-verbal language speaks volumes to others. According to Dr. Paul Ekman we are all born with an innate ability to read 7 basic facial expressions and nobody teaches this to you. We just know it from birth. We come from the factory this way. It’s fairly obvious when someone else is not totally listening. If you want to show you’re not listening, just keep replying to your text messages while you say, “Go ahead and keep talking. I can do two things at once. I’m just responding to this text while you talk.” Congratulations, you’re showing a total lack of respect and interest by not giving your full attention.

“ The art of conversation lies in listening. —MALCOM FORBES

4.  Play the “poor me” card as much as you can

If you’re constantly complaining or whining about how difficult things are for you without turning the conversation back to your conversation partner, you just sound like your fishing for empathy or sympathy. These people seem like they are playing “trophy talk” by showing how they’re life is so much more challenging than others.

“ You can be pitiful or you can be powerful, but you can’t be both at the same time. —JOYCE MEYER

5.  Try to beat their stories

We might think this one is reserved for the men and not the women, but unfortunately we are all guilty of it. If you want to show how shallow your personal self-esteem is, then just make sure you practice one-upmanship – always try to top the other person’s story. This shows a lack of humility and the desire to always place yourself on a pedestal as the winner. Whether it’s the greatest achievement or the greatest mistake, some people take pride in owning first place with every conversation. This creates a winner (as if there’s going to be a trophy!) for each conversation, but unfortunately is also creates losers.

“ Out of all the addictions in the world, attention is slowly but surely becoming one of the most dangerous. —SAAHIL PREM

6.  Never ask a question

Just keep talking about yourself and your interests and don’t bother asking any questions. Want to play a game? Next time you are in a personal conversation, count how many questions you ask the other person. Then, count how many questions they ask you. If you never ask questions about personality, preference, or opinion you’ll never move your conversations or relationships to a level three conversation.

“ Sometimes the greatest adventure is simply a conversation. —HENRY NATHAN

7.  Gossip about other people

Talking poorly about other people behind their backs is tempting because it creates allies with the people you’re gossiping with. One of the dangers with gossip is that it forces us to label someone. Simple labels are never going to be 100% accurate because we are all wonderfully complex. But, labels make life easier because we can throw a person into a labeled bucket and be done with them. (i.e. slut, idiot, cheater, loser, etc.) What I’ve found is that the best leaders talk more about ideas than people.

“ Isn’t it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up? —SEAN COVEY

Trying to create camaraderie by allying one person in conversation against another person or group who isn’t there will ultimately lead to a lack of trust between everyone. If someone is willing to label others and gossip about them with you, it makes you wonder how they talk about you when you’re not around!

I’m no Saint…

As I said earlier, I’m no saint. I’m sure I have committed each of these 7 deadly conversation sins. I know I’m getting better at conversations and my prayer is that I continue to be sensitive to others in conversation so I can eventually eliminate these sins completely.

Tune in next week when we tackle part two of this topic… The 5 Virtues Found in the Best Conversations.

Am I the only one, or have you seen these 7 deadly sins in conversations? How did they affect the relationship? Leave your comments.

Until then,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

OR You can get my weekly Blog Post here.

iSpeak is the winner of FOUR American Business Awards for our Sales Training Programs.

Coming Soon… I’m working on getting you all free access to our Message Builder online training… stay tuned!

I collected over 80 quotes that give me inspiration as a salesperson and leader. I hope they bring you some inspiration as well. Get my FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

The three of us sat there in anxious silence as we considered the two options. We either file for bankruptcy or we double-down on our investment. Our 5-year old company was out of money. Every business I’ve started has a moment. It’s that punch-in-the-gut moment when you’ve got to make a big decision. There will come a time when you reach the fork in the road and a critical decision must be made. This is when the story gets compelling.

Great fiction authors know this is true. That’s why the hero will always be faced with a choice that leads to consequences. If you want to achieve great things when you’re faced with the choice, you’ll need three things. Nothing great was ever accomplished without these three ingredients. One word of warning before we continue, just knowing these three ingredients doesn’t make implementing them any easier!

First, Be Willing to CHANGE

Just by simple definition, accomplishment implies something new was achieved. If it is new and different, then it involved change. I can here you now, “Gee, Russ… are you applying for the new Capt. Obvious position?” As simple as this sounds, it still amazes me when I catch myself thinking I can accomplish new goals, but I never put any thought into what I will need to change.

“ Nothing improves until something changes. —RUSS PETERSON JR.

Maybe we can start by focusing on your willingness to accept change. If you’re not willing to step into change you won’t get too far. Whether you see yourself as someone who embraces change or someone who approaches it with caution, great accomplishments always include a change. And, change that leads to great accomplishment means hard work. Others are watching you to lead them through change. Be ready for it.

Second, Accept the RISK

All change comes with risk. From my experience, there seems to be a positive correlation between the amount of risk and the size of the accomplishment. If there’s more risk involved, the success story is usually viewed as a greater achievement. Accepting risk takes courage, plain and simple. But the enemy is that little voice you hear in your head focusing your attention on the risk and the costs of failure. The hope and intent of the enemy is to keep you at the fork.

“ Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. —HELEN KELLER

As humans we do what we can to reduce risk at every fork in the road. We even created an entire industry to do just that! It’s called insurance. Reducing your risk can be done with preparation, planning, and insurance. But always remember, nothing great was ever accomplished without risk. There will always be some risk.

Finally, don’t listen to that enemy voice telling you to “just stay where you are.” While staying put feels like the least-risk option, eventually your indecision creates an even greater risk. At some point there is more risk in staying at the fork than in choosing a path. When you’re prepared to accept the risk, you’re ready to move on to the third ingredient.

Third, Make Your DECISION

Well, here you are… standing at the fork. You’re willing to change and accept some level of risk. So what do you do now? It’s time to make a decision. As the leader, others are looking to you for stability during the decision and throughout the change.

Great accomplishments aren’t admired if the positive result can be tied back to an easy decision and pure luck. For example, if you win the lottery, the toughest decision you made was to spend $1 to get your ticket! We would call that luck not accomplishment. Why do we call it luck? Because you made an easy decision, which required no significant change, and only risked $1 of your income.

“ Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision. —PETER F. DRUCKER

To be considered an accomplishment, you have to make the tough DECISION to CHANGE knowing there is an inherent RISK involved… but you knew the fork was coming. It always does. You’ve prepared for this. Now get ready for the hard work and make your decision!

To let you know what happened with our failing company… we all decided to double-down. We had several good opportunities pending with customers and we wanted to see them through. With the amount of the investment, we created enough runway to stay in our poker hand one more round before we called, just like you do in Texas Hold-em. That extra runway turned out to be the best decision we ever made for our little start up.

Let’s do this!

Best,
Russ

Let’s connect on Twitter if we haven’t already?

OR Let’s connect on LinkedIn.

OR Let’s connect via my Facebook page!

OR You can get my weekly Blog Post here.

iSpeak is the winner of FOUR American Business Awards for our Sales Training Programs.

I collected over 80 quotes that give me inspiration as a salesperson and leader. I hope they bring you some inspiration as well. Get my FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.