“Hey, I’ve got a question for you… with all the travel you do, how do you and your wife keep your marriage strong?” The conversation just got real. I asked my good friend that question right after we finished talking about the Cowboys vs. Eagles game. My friend and his wife have a strong marriage and strong relationship. I wanted to learn from him so I could apply what they do so well to my own marriage.

Everything he and I shared in that marriage conversation is a blog post for another day. For today, I want to share with you the levels of conversation you can use to develop stronger relationships with anyone.

3 Levels of Conversations

It’s not always going to be timely or appropriate or necessary to take your conversations to level 3. When you’re asking the clerk at the grocery store which aisle you can find the coffee, it’s probably not the best time to ask about his relationship with his wife. I’m not suggesting with this blog post that you should always try to get conversations to level 3. I’m suggesting that if you never take your conversations to level 3, you’ll never develop deep, strong, and fulfilling relationships.

Level 1: Small Talk

It’s called “small talk” for a reason. No big discoveries or decisions are made with small talk. This is how conversations usually start when you meet someone new. Questions are very superficial and focus on topics that usually don’t generate any strong feelings.

• “Looks like we’re going to get some rain.”
• “How are you today?”
• “What’s good on the menu?”

Think about the last time you were on an elevator and you started speaking to a stranger. You probably stayed right here at level 1: small talk. If your conversations stay here, relationships don’t prosper. Relationships are built on both love and trust. Neither of these will grow if you only use small talk.

“ Small talk leads to small results.

Level 2: Common Interests and Opinions

The second level of conversation looks for common ground. This level of communication requires more questions than level 1 because you’re exploring. You’re looking for shared interests and opinions.

• “Where are you from?”
• “When it comes to football, who’s your team?”
• “What’s your outdoor hobby, hiking, hunting, or fishing?”
• “I heard you mention, Bermuda. Do you go there often?”

You ask questions as you explore. You’re looking for a discovery. The discovery is something you have in common. Once you find common interests, you now have something to talk about (football, others sport teams, cities, vacation spots, cars, hunting, fishing, other hobbies, etc.) If it takes too much work and you can’t find the common ground, most people give up and move on.

“ All problems exist in the absence of a good conversation. —THOMAS LEONARD

Level 3: Feelings and Beliefs

Never talk about Jesus or politics. You’ve probably heard that before, right? These questions tap into a deeper layer. It’s where we get closer to core values and core beliefs. It feels like a deeper conversation because it gets closer to our personal identity. It’s how we actually see ourselves.

These conversations are not always the easiest to start or navigate, but they are required to create stronger, lasting relationships with others. Every conversation is not an opportunity to be a level 3 conversation. It’s important to be an active listener and ask open questions.

• “How will you handle that?”
• “Why is that going to be difficult?”
• “What can you do to help change the situation?”
• “What do you think is most important?”

“ Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters. —DAU VOIRE

If you never take your conversations to level 3, you’re robbing yourself of more satisfying relationships. I encourage you to be courageous and start developing stronger relationships with your friends and family.

What are some good Level 3 questions you’ve asked before?

I hope you and I are blessed with a level 3 conversation some time in the future.

Best,
Russ

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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a speaker, international trainer, and published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.