It’s no secret some people interpret disagreement as a sure sign you’re an enemy combatant. How do I know? Because I’m as guilty as the rest of us. When somebody disagrees with me (e.g. business, politics, religion, etc.) my brain jumps into battle stations, “Shields up! Divert all power to the forward cannons! Fire when ready!” Have you been there before? Can you relate?

If you’re like me then you really do want to get better, but it isn’t always easy. To use a biblical word, I always find myself repenting of my actions later, but I wish I could get better at preventing it from ever starting. Afterwards I start thinking something like…

“Wow… I need to apologize to him for what I said.”

“Ugh… how could I have let myself say that.”

“Whoa… I wish I could put those words back in my mouth.”

Everyone’s Opinion has an Origin

Like many things in life, I find this reminder simple but not easy. Nobody has a strong opinion without their opinion being rooted in something. In other words, people believe in something for a reason. Do you know what their reason is?

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey addressed this so beautifully when he reminds us to understand the other person’s point of view before you attempt to share your point of view.

We all make decisions based on our personal interpretation of the world. We all like to think that we’re being logical with our decisions. In other words, we all have opinions that make sense to ourselves. So before we act or react, we can all take Covey’s advice and do our best to understand the origin of this person’s opinion before we respond. Even if we disagree, it can still provide some perspective on why this other person has a strong opposing view.

“ Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood. —STEPHEN COVEY

The Interpretation Process

Every time we’re placed in a situation, we interpret everything going on around us. Kerry Patterson tells us (Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success) our situation isn’t what makes us feel good, feel bad or feel anything else. He says the feeling we feel is generated by our own mind when we tell ourselves a story. In other words, there is a logical 4-step sequence to how we act and react.

It goes like this:

1. Exposure to a situation
2. We tell ourselves a story based on our interpretation and speculation
3. The story generates a feeling (love, contempt, animosity, anger, etc.)
4. We act or react based on the feeling

The One Forgotten Step

The story we tell ourselves is the forgotten step in Patterson’s process. Most of us think other people makes us mad. In fact, we’re probably all guilty of saying it at one time, “You make me so angry!” Patterson says that really isn’t true at all. Other people don’t make you angry… you make yourself angry! We make ourselves angry by telling ourselves a story.

“What a jerk, he’s only concerned with making money!”

“Only an idiot would think we should vote for that.”

“She doesn’t care about anyone but herself… and that’s obvious!”

So, if it’s the stories we tell ourselves that create the strong feelings, then maybe there is some hope we can regain control over how we feel, and react in tough situations.

But the toughest part now is… how do we control the story?

How do we change?

Like I said before, it’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’ll be easy! The simple solution is to start telling yourself a different story. When you find yourself in a situation where your blood starts to boil, slow down. Ask yourself a few questions…

“Why am I getting angry about this?”

“What story did I just tell myself?”

“Why does this person think this is a logical solution?”

“ Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. —MATTHEW 5:9

I know it’s simple but it definitely ain’t easy! I’m right there with you. I’ll pray for you if you’ll pray for me. Together, we can get through anything. We’re better together.

I control my own stories… I control my own stories…
Russ