First impressions can occur in as little as 1/100th of a second. While that speed may have served us well several thousand years ago, today it can cause us to jump to incorrect conclusions. In his book, Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, Daniel Goleman points out that the amygdala part of our brain (reptilian part of our brain which usually analyzes a situation and then determines if we should fight, flight, or freeze) can hijack our more rational thinking part of the brain. This means when we meet someone new and our first impression (1 millisecond) matches an experience from our past, we will short circuit our rational thinking brain and assign the same properties to this new person.

Even if we cannot reprogram our brain to stop doing this (and maybe we wouldn’t want to!), we should at least perform what I call meta-thinking to remain in control. Just like the term meta-data refers to “data about data”, meta-thinking is “thinking about thinking.” In other words, when you assign qualities to a person in less than a second, the thinking brain should slow down and question where that conclusion came from. Why do I think that about this person? How did I come to this conclusion about him/her?

Everything we know about a person comes from only 4 sources. Leaders should use all four sources to create the most complete picture of someone. Professor James Hynes, Professor at University of Iowa, University of Texas, Miami University, and Grinnell College, shares how these four methods are used by authors to introduce their characters to the reader. As leaders, we can use these same 4 methods to get to know the people we lead.

1. What do they look like?

We can start with this one because we’re already so familiar with it. As we pointed out above, our brains help us survive day to day by evaluating first impressions based on appearance. Beyond the first few seconds of meeting someone, appearances continue to tell us about a person day after day. For example, if you met me and I always wore a grumpy frown, you would begin to form an impression that I’m not a very positive or happy person.

While someone’s appearance should be taken into account, it’s very easy and tempting for us to stop right there. It’s easy for us to assume we know someone completely just from their appearance. But remember, people tend to hide the authentic self behind the safety and privacy of a public mask, the image they want to project to the world.

2. What do they say?

We listen to two things when people talk and we do it without consciously thinking about it. We will listen to what they are saying and how they are saying it. With what they are saying, we will focus on each word, phrase, and sentence because the words carry meaning. Each word tells us a little bit more about this person, like what they think and how they think. Their words provide more proof to support our current assumptions about their character and core values.

Slightly more subtle, but just as important, is how they are speaking. When we hear people speaking softly, we may conclude they’re timid or unsure of themselves. When we hear a bold delivery of words, we infer the speaker is confident. We aren’t always completely accurate with our interpretations, but how people speak helps us understand a little bit more about their true character.

3. What do they do?

We’ve all heard this before, “Actions speak louder than words.” Deep down we all know that we humans don’t like to act in stark contrast to our core beliefs. That doesn’t mean we won’t act in contrast to our core beliefs, it just means we don’t like to do it. Over time, our actions tend to align with our core values unless some form of outside influence is causing us to do otherwise. We want to be true to our values. We want to be authentic. Plato is credited with saying, “You can discover more about a man in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”

4. What do others say?

Professor Hynes calls this method of knowing Report. In other words, what do others report about this person? If you haven’t directly met someone or observed them, then you’re relying totally upon another person’s interpretation of their appearance, speech, or actions. A great example of this is a celebrity. Chances are you haven’t actually met many of the celebrities you currently feel like you know so well. How do you know so much about them? Much of what you think you know about them was obtained through report.

In other words, the conclusions you’ve drawn from appearance, speech, and action has been filtered and interpreted for you by someone else. The caution here for leaders is to remember there is no such thing as an unbiased opinion. Report from others can be helpful, but just remember, it’s also based on someone else’s interpretation and opinions.

The Fictitious 5th Method

While there is a 5th method Professor Hynes points out, it is solely reserved for the fictional writer. The 5th way to introduce a character to the reader is by reading their mind. When the writer allows the reader to know what the character is thinking, you get to read that character’s mind. If only we could use that skill in real life!

With regard to helping others get to know you, just focus on living out your core values. Be true to yourself. Be authentic. The rest will take care of itself.

Still working on my authenticity by living out my core values,
Russ

p.s. If you want to share these weekly posts with others, ask them to sign up and receive these weekly posts via email.

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My books on communication:

Corporate Ovations: Your Roadmap to More Effective Presentations, by Russ Peterson Jr. and Kevin Karschnik

Cut the C.R.A.P. and Make the Sale, by Russ Peterson Jr.

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Claim your copy of my new FREE eBook on Sales and Leadership Inspiration.

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Russ Peterson Jr. is the co-founder and Managing Director of iSpeak, Inc. – An award-winning professional development training company. Russ is a published author on Professional Sales Communication and Business Communication. He delivers workshops, keynotes, and personal communication coaching services to business professionals in the US and around the world. You can connect with Russ directly through Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.